Feels so good to actually start letting go. A friend told me it takes 2 & 1/2 months or more to move on....

stayed single almost the whole year?
um..... yeah.

were involved in something you’ll never forget?
yup.

tripped over a coffee table?
nope i don't think so.

came close to losing your life?
nah.

saw one of your favorite bands/artists live?
saw wiz & mac miller todayy, holler

did something you regret?
can't say i regret it cus i know in that moment it was something i wanted & chose to do.


->2010: friends and enemies

did you meet any new friends this year?
yup!

did you hate anyone?
nah, but btchz will be btchz tho & i'll get annoyed.

did you lose any friends?
at some points we'd drift away but we always end up together again.

->2010: your birthday!

did you have a cake?
yeup!

did you get any presents?
yeah.

did you get what you wished for last year?
i don't remember what i wished for :( lol

->2010: all about you

did you change at all this year?
definitely got a different mindset.

did you change your style?
kinda? sorta? idk really, haha

were you in school?
graduated hs & first sem. of college, holla

did you get good grades?
it was just one class that i got C+ & i'm mad as fck -_-

did you drive?
yup!

did you own a car?
yeeerp.

did anyone close to you give birth?
umm, nope.

did you go on any vacations?
camping, cali & myrtle beach :)

would you change anything about yourself now?
I just want to be skinny.. that is all...

did you dye your hair?
yup! lost my hairginity.. lol

->2010: wrap up:

was 2010 a good year?
very good year.

do you think 2011 will top 2010?
2011 got big shoes to fill.

best thing that happened in 2010?
summer 2010, hands down.

in the year 2010 i confess that i….

kissed in the snow?
nope.

in the parking lot? at the beach ? in secret?
parking lot & in secret.. lmfao

had your heart broken?
it ached but i don't consider it broken.

painted a picture?
nah, lol

wrote a poem?
nah, just wrote way too much.

ran a mile?
i think? haha

visited a foreign country?
nope.

cut in a line of waiting people?
haha yeah!

told someone you were busy when you weren’t?
yes =X

cooked a disastrous meal?
mm, don't think so.

lied about how old you were?
nope.

cried yourself to sleep?
yeah.

in 2010 i….

broke a promise?
i don't think so.

lied?
unfortunately.

disappointed someone close?
yes -_-

hid a secret?
ugh, yeah.

pretended to be happy?
most likely.

slept under the stars?
nah, that woulda been cute tho.

met someone who changed your life?
mm, nah.

changed your outlook on life?
definitely.

sat home all day doing nothing?
yes!

lost something expensive?
YES. #($)@ :( :( :(

learned something new about yourself?
all the time.

tried something you normally wouldn’t try and liked it?
most likely, haha.

made a change in your life?
yes.

found out who your true friends were?
i've always known.

met great people?
yeup.

stayed up til sunrise?
yup.

cried over the silliest thing?
sigh, yes, haha

had friends who were drifting away from you?
sadly.

spent most of your money on food?
fckin sushi!

gotten sick?
yeup.

liked more than 5 people at the same time?
no.

became closer with a lot of people?
some, yeup.

sometimes i wish i could erase some of the memories just so it wouldn't hurt when i reminisce about everything. i wouldn't have to think about what happened or wonder why you did certain things and my damn surroundings wouldn't have to trigger the memories anymore.

Wow, I like how everything I've been coming across just has to deal with love & shit. Seeing couples, movies, tv shows, books... wtf! Just when I'm tryna avoid shit like that, it just loves to come creep up around me so it can remind me of everything all over again.

I don't see you around very often & when I do, a million thoughts run through my head. It's quite funny to think about the things we went through. Maybe someday we'll really cross paths and catch up because I honestly do wonder about you time to time - how you're doing & if you're okay because you always showed how much you cared about me and I really don't come across people like that. At times I even find myself missing our friendship and having someone to talk to all the time.

I'm finding myself to be pathetic for still missing you especially since the year is quickly coming to an end. I am a hypocrite because I won't even do anything about it...

Big mothafckin sigh..

Why did any of this have to happen... ugh, I must keep reminding myself that everything happens for a reason.

I am satisfied to know that I was a part of that.... wehwehweh, no one should be alone for the holidays :( whatever doe! can't wait to see ma famz tonight, weEeee

I still miss you and there is nothing I can do about it. I didn't think it would be this hard.

Finally did something different with myself & it feels good. Feels good to get most of my bad ends out & just do something different to my hair because I've always looked the same. I'm still getting used to it, but I do love it & tin did a great job. Some change is good. I'm still the same person yet this new look just helps me move forward from all the shit that happened to me in the past month. And shit, I'm 18 now. I'm tryna do it big(ger?) loll. Can't wait to do tattoos & piercings with the girls. 2011 has big shoes to fill, holla.

I'm not sure how long this will take.. it could be months or even years. I wish it didn't even have to end up like this, but all i know is that whatever the outcome is.. it'll be something i need and what's best for me at that time.

I've been down this road before and yeah I skidded but forget it.

Damn I wonder why I never learned my lesson..

stealing michelle's survey as usual cus i have nothing better to do

Are you an official couple with the last person you kissed?
i wouldn't mind.. hahah

Do you remember who you had feelings for December 2009?
yes which was no one.

Is there that one guy/girl that you’ll always have feelings for no matter what?
eh.

You’ve just had an argument with the guy/girl you like, you walk away. Do you want them to leave you alone or come after you?
um, i think it'd be nice if they came after me. actually i think it depends what happened.

Who were you last in a car with?
lauren.

What color was the last pill you took?
white.

Be honest, are you starting to gain feelings towards anyone?
nope.

Are you losing feelings towards anyone?
mmnope.

Who did you like in ‘09? First and Last name please.
No One.

The person you fell hardest for, do you still care about them?
of course i still care.

Who has the ability to hurt you the most emotionally?
family.

Sex ruins relationships, right?
i think it depend where the relationship stands & if you guys are both ready.

How many tattoos do you have? And how many do you want?
none for now!

What’s something you’re looking forward to?
christmas & the rest of winter break, holla

Do you think it’s a bunch of bull shit when people say “I have no regrets”?
nah.

Who got you the jewelry you’re wearing?
parents & lauren.

Do you get scared during scary movies?
yeup, love them tho, haha.

How do you feel right now?
like a new woman. holla

Do you know what you want to be when you grow up?
RN nurse, sup! & get my master's but idk what i wanna specialize in yet.

What are you wearing on your feet?
my uggs :)

You wake up, all your hair is gone, your first reaction?
bawllll hard as hell.

When was the last time you saw someone attractive?
wow, i don't even remember. hahah

You’ve had sex with over 12 people, haven’t you?
yes, because i am such a slut...

Are you planning to get knocked up or knock someone up by age 17?
no thanks. i'm 18 now anyway.

Have you ever been completely alone with a girl/boy in a bedroom?
yeup.

Would you ever get a lip tattoo?
sure.

It still kills me. I'm still hurting. I still seek answers. I still don't know what to do. I still can't find the right words. I am still confused. I am still stuck. I still continue to ask the Lord for strength everyday. I am still lost.

I've really hit a breaking point this past month and I feel like I've just been getting tested left and right. I know life isn't going to get any easier for me so I'm really trying to hold myself up. Going through hardships really makes you so much more thankful for all your happy moments.

Why have I built up these walls so high? Why am I so guarded? Why do I shut people out? It's because I have been hurt so much by death that I try to avoid any ways possible of getting hurt again. It still puzzles me to realize how much this has impacted me and it took me 5 years to figure out the reason why I am so guarded. I fear rejection and getting hurt as much as I did all those years ago. I push away people and deny anything to do with relationships because I have manipulated myself to believe that I am not meant for them and that no one will make an effort to realize how much of a good heart I have if I don't live up to their 'physical standards'. It's so difficult for me to love others, relationship wise, because I do not love myself and every time I try to accept myself - I am back to square one, picking out every flaw and comparing myself to all these other pretty skinny girls I'll never compare to in other people's eyes.

Sigh. The one thing that made you so happy at one point can be the same thing that breaks you into pieces. So maybe the reason I'm so hurt is because maybe, just maybe, I thought I was good enough. And to see how things played out, I find myself back to believing that I wasn't good enough and maybe I'll just never be good enough. Maybe one day you will realize that I was / am good enough but it'll be far too late. So many opportunities and chances, but you were too oblivious and caught up to even realize that. I've taken my risks only to fall down over and over again. Another lesson learned. Another used to be. Another memory. Another story to bring up when I'm older to laugh and giggle about.

So here I am.. that same girl. That same girl who has the heart to forgive someone, the same person numerous times & people because I believe that yes, everyone makes mistakes. I forgive, but I never forget especially the way people have made me feel whether good or bad. The same girl to avoid confrontation because I don't want to lose a friendship over something insignificant. The same girl to just let things go because I'm nice enough to give people who matter second chances even if I am still hurting so much in the inside. The same girl to make excuses for people even though they have done me wrong because I believe that everyone has good inside of them. The same girl that's been taken for granted because I am so lenient, a pushover, forgiving and nice to people I truly care about. I wish people didn't have to take my kindness as my weakness..

I don't know where I'm going with any of this mumbo jumbo spread out thoughts, but I just needed to vent without saying the words - like, umm, etcetc - I needed a constant flow and this is the only place I could actually let words spill out. Emotionally exhausted. Lord, please give me the strength to keep moving forward.

Moving along and moving on...

For the first time in a long time.. I felt like I was in the right place, right time, right person / people. God has a funny way of working.

I miss warm weather. I miss cardigan weather. I MISS SUMMER. I miss you. I miss cali. I miss the beach. I miss my friends. I miss being a senior. I miss you. I miss my cousins. I miss the philippines. I miss being a kid again. I miss having a boo. I miss being so carefree. I miss taking pictures like there's no tomorrow. I miss you. I miss everything, weh ;(

I don't know how I feel towards anything right now. I feel like this one situation has put me through so much bullshit that it caused me to be so emotionless. I used to care so much, but I find myself slowly caring less about certain things day after day. I wish things didn't turn out the way it did, but I must keep in my mind that everything happens for a reason. Thank you for reminding me that I was never good enough.

"haha aiight dont be gay, you got anyone special this xmas ;)?" something i was just asked & sadly i'll have to pathetically respond no because i am forever alone and i am a loser who is "picky" yadayadayada :( one day i'll be cuddling in cold weather with ma boo and a cup of hot chocolate! booyah. but for now, i will continue to beat myself up for what happened to me these past couple of months and miss people / things of my past, sigh! don't worry, i'm a strong girl.

who introduced you to your boyfriend/girlfriend?
what's a boyfriend?

do you believe exes can be friends?
yup!

do you eat breakfast daily?
usually or atleast i try to.

is green your favorite color?
nope, but i do like.

is there anyone you couldn’t live without?
yup.

who were you with the last time you went to the movie theater?
a bunch of fuckin people to watch paranormal 2 ...

what do you usually do when the clock turns 11:11?
probably doing some shit.

do you like to cuddle?
it's cute.

do you like your cell phone?
yes i do!

do you prefer to call or text?
text / bbm, hehe

do you think someone misses you?
nope.

do you love where you live?
i love that it's not too far from the city & the beach.

what were you doing 12 am last night?
falling asleep.

would you go out in public looking like you do now?
sure, i just came back from trixia's anyway.

so, what do you want for your birthday?
it passed already!

has anyone ever sang to you?
yes.. hahah oh my.

do you think you will be in a relationship 3 months from now?
doubt it. forever alone!

how was your weekend?
just started. bummed out with 3 of my girls so that was nice!

do you know anyone with the same birthday as you?
yup!

how do you feel right now?
tiredd.

does any part of your body hurt right now?
mmm nope.

are you a mean person?
shit, i can be.

interested in anyone at the moment?
nope. forever alone yet again!

so, what if you married the last person you kissed?
hahah, i mean like he was cute..

have you ever had a really big fight with a best friend?
i guess you could say that.

is there someone you want to fix things with?
yeah. sigh.

do you plan on moving out within the next year?
nope.

what are you listening to at the moment?
the sound of central air.

what color shirt are you wearing?
2010 shirt with my prom hoodie, haha.

can you leave the house without makeup?
sure.

do you think you’ll be married in 5 years?
i don't think so, lol

what was the first thing you did when you woke up?
turn off my alarm clock.

is life good?
always.

if someone liked you right now, would you want them to tell you?
sure why not.

do you think anyone has feelings for you?
nope! FOREVER ALONE!

I remember the days we'd be so excited.. but now.. not so much at all, actually. It's funny how much things can change.

oh holiday season once again.. christmas time, winter = cold = cuddling, & new years.. the best time to have a boo / boyfriend and the time i really wish i had one.. hahaha i'm so pathetic! but no really, i do miss getting all excited .. & trying to figure out what to get him. blahblah all that shit. okay i don't know what i'm saying. it's just mad cold and it's getting to my head.. haha

Baby steps. One day to the next. Moving along and moving on.

Life's fckin good. With or without you. I'm happy. I got the people I need and the ones that matter. I'm having fun. I'm living life. I'm doing good. Things are finally falling back together and it's sad that you're not a part of it anymore. I hope you're doing swell though. Wish you all the best, seriously.

because michelle's survey posts tempted me & i'm procrastinating from getting ready for tonight's festivities!

1. are you one of those people who never drink soda?
it's rare.. usually only when i'm at a family party.

2. think back five months ago, were you single?
mmm... yah.

3. is there one person you look at and automatically smile?
hehe yeah!

4. you think “i love you” are strong words?
very strong.

5. when was the last time you laughed really hard?
thanksgiving break w/ the girls & tribe.

6. are you counting down for anything?
tonight should be a good night, winter break & cwistmas!

7. favorite color?
black / grey... even though those aren't really colors. i like everything actually.

8. what grade is the last person you texted in?
college freshman.

9. do you like your hair?
i have a bittersweet relationship with it.

10. do you have clothes that belong to other people?
haha a couple.

11. is anyone mad at you?
i hope not..

12. today, would you rather go forward a week or back?
week forward please!

13. have you ever had a really big fight with a best friend?
mhm.

14. is there someone you don’t ever want to be out of your life?
of course.

15. are you currently looking forward to anything?
tonight, winter break, & christmas man!

16. will this weekend be a good one?
it's ending soon, but i hope i'll be having a good weekend.

17. what’s something you really want right now?
things go back to normal.

18. is there a guy that knows everything about you?
ehhh, not really.

19. has anybody ever told you that you have pretty eyes?
yeah... i don't know why though haha

20. would you rather have long or short hair?
long hair beauty!

21. would you go back in time if you were given the chance?
just to relive some good times, but not change anything that happened.

22. are you open about your feelings or closed off?
closed off most of the time.

23. has the last person you kissed ever made you cry?
nopee.

24. have you realized anything lately?
a lot of things i've realized.

25. would you be shocked if the last person you kissed texted you right now?
um, yeah! sheesh, then i'd be souped hahah

26. do you spend time with the same people always or new people?
it varies i guess?

27. are you the type that would rather stay at other people’s houses or have them at yours?
i think it depends on my mood but usually stay at someone's house.

28. when is the last time you were truly happy with your life?
summer 2010.. but i'm always happy =)

who’s the last person you talked to about sex?
i believe lauren?

are you stubborn?
i've had my times.

if you took a drug test right now, would you pass?
yup!

who was the last person to be on a bed with you?
i slept next to my papadukez last night, haha

do you tend to hold a grudge?
nope. waste of time.

what’s a few facts about the last person that talked to you?
black hair. filipino dad tummy. my nigga.

has anyone called you perfect before?
i think so?

what would happen if you had a baby with the last person you kissed?
the sex would probably be amazing. LOL just kidding um, we'd have some pretty light skinned babies.

where is the biggest scar on your body?
on my index finger.

have you ever been told you were amazing?
yeah... & again i do not know why.

would you date someone who was addicted to drugs?
i mean, i would try to avoid that, but eh, Heaven only knows.

what was the last thing you had to drink?
water.

are you trying to avoid liking somebody at the moment?
nope.

what would you do if there was a killer in your house?
um i think i'd lock my room then call all my fam members on the phone to tell them.. oh & call the popo!

if you could go back and change something in the past 5 months, would you?
nope. everything happens for a reason.

do you get along with girls?
only the ones i like.

think of the last person who said i love you, do you think they meant it?
i don't remember who it was :( lol

have you ever kissed anyone with a tattoo?
mm nope don't think so.

have you ever kissed someone you weren’t dating?
yeah.

what was the last thing you cried about?
some shit that happened & got fed up about it.

who was the last girl you talked to?
trixie i think?

do you know anyone who drinks a lot?
yeup.

do you have any facial piercings?
nah.

is there anyone holding a grudge against you?
i hope not.

would you ever get plastic surgery?
as much as i hate shit on my body, nope.

what were you afraid of the most when you were a kid?
i'm not too sure, lol

do you ever miss your past?
time to time.

do you miss the last person you kissed?
no.. hahah

how have you felt today?
quite good, thank you.

are you nice to the people you dislike?
well i'm not gonna be rude, but i'm not gonna be fake.

you kissed someone today, didn’t you?
nope.

do you have any plans for the weekend?
party. work on project. maybe shop. & church.

do you know how it feels to be cheated on?
holla if you got me and fuck you if you had me.

what are you doing for your next birthday?
well i recently turned 18.. so far i had a sleepover & dinner with my girls & tonight i'll be partying it up. weee.

someone tells you that your beautiful, you say?
...... shut up, do you wanna die.

what are you looking forward to?
i feel like this question was asked like a million times!

are you wearing anything you borrowed from someone?
not right noww.

are you in a good mood right now?
i'm goood.

do you like to make the first move?
no, haha.

did you talk to someone until you fell asleep last night?
nope. aw i miss those nights!

when was the last time you completely broke down?
it wasn't really a break down but the last time i cried to my friend is probably the closest thing to that.

do you swear often?
yeah, i kind have a foul mouth -_-

would you go out in public looking the way you do?
yeah.

are you listening to any music?
nah, pops is watching tv.

is your hair long enough to put in a ponytail?
lol yeah.

what are you thinking about right now?
that i should really go get ready for tonight.

do you get irritated easily?
kinda sorta not really. depends on my mood.

does anyone call you babe?
no. aw i miss that too, haha.

would you ever get a tattoo?
yup!

do you like taking walks?
if i'm in the mood.

could you go the rest of your life without doing any drugs?
yeah.

are you happier now than you were last year?
um, i'm not sure. i think i was going thru less back then tho.

would you rather be a blonde or a brunette?
brunette!

i would be lying if i said i didn't miss you or if i said i wasn't hurt or if i said i didn't care. in fact, i miss all the shit we did. how could i not be hurt? and of course i'll always care about you.

but enough is enough. it's really an unhealthy cycle that i've been letting myself go through time after time. i was too scared to walk away before, but this time i've had enough. it's about time to really put into action what i've been saying & thinking all along. the excuses i've made up don't cut it anymore and if i keep trying to hold on, the more i'll hurt myself.

but hey, i believe after all this, i'm stronger and indeed smarter. i really feel like i learned my lesson and it's a mistake i really don't plan on repeating over again *crosses fingers*

& to be honest, i'm doing just fine. i'm living life and moving on with it. i don't have any time to waste on something that is insignificant right now. things happen for a reason. what's meant to be will find it's way. there's a reason why i'm going thru this right now & hopefully things will go back to normal some day, but for now, i'm happily satisfied strictly doing me and barely having any communication.

YOU DISGUST ME.

-_____- I hate everyone. Please please please please go away. Please stop talking to me. I don't want to fall back to where I was. I just want to get over it already.

Slowly putting myself back together and it feels so good to not feel so bad about shit. I really used to give a fuck, but now I give a fuck less. I really shouldn't be surrounded by things that are unnecessary anyway.

Hanging out with my girls majority of this break has really been exactly what I needed. It couldn't have come around at any better time. I really do forget the stress and bullshit that's been happening to me when I'm with them and I can't be anymore thankful.

Sigh.. Thank You Lord.

Thankful for every little single thing that has ever happened to me. To my family that will always be there thru thick & thin, the friends who have ALWAYS kept it real with me, the ride or dies, the good times, waking up to a new day.. seriously like everything even the fckin downfalls I've ever had & the people who have made me feel like sht or brought me down. Without none of that, I wouldn't be as strong of a person that I am today.

....&Even to you, for giving up on me, for leaving me on the back burner, forgetting about me, and ofcourse the good times we had. You really taught me a lot whether you know it or not and with whatever's been going on, it's really been helping me to forget everything and move on even if it's not what I want but I know that it's best that way.

Too too Blessed & Foreverr Grateful. Thank you Lord.

Through the pain, the suffering, the heartbreaks, the confusion, the distance, the crying, the bitchiness, and the bitterness.... I know, I know, in my heart that there is something great coming along my way and if this is what it takes to be completely, genuinely happy again, then so be it. God wouldn't put you to it if he knew you couldn't get through it. I'll be comin out 10x's stronger & better. What doesn't kill you only makes you stronger.

second worst birthday next to the birthday i found out my mom was diagnosed with cancer. i swear i feel like the world has been hating me for the past 2 weeks. this must be karma for being such a bitter ass bitch or some shit. SMH.




still & always grateful to have another birthday though. Thank You Lord.

I WILL HAVE A GOOD DAY TOMORROW DESPITE THE FACT THAT I'VE BEEN HAVING THE SHITTIEST WEEK.





but thank you to the friends who've been making me laugh this past week because i literally forget everything else i'm going thru even if it's not for long.

If you're going through hell, keep going..... This too shall pass

I need to slap a mothafuckin hoe & I think my stress will go away... HAH, I wish it was easy at that.

it's going to be another one of those nights. i'm not happy. i'm not content. i'm not sad. i'm not angry. i literally feel emotionless. cold fuckin world.

I really wish some things did not have to change.

distance.

"I hate that feeling where you feel like you’ll never be happy again. That feeling where you’re not motivated to do anything because you’re so upset. That feeling of waking up remembering all the things you wish to forget the time you went to sleep. I wish I could just fast forward to a time where I’m truly happy - where everything is okay again."

via jessicalovee tumblr. i couldn't have said it any better. as much as i can relate to what she said, i hate knowing my cousin is feeling like this. it makes me feel even worse.

Things can only get better, right? We're both to fucking blame.

List of what i wanna do / want for my birthday! for my own personal use, weee.

- get slizzard!
- sleepover with the girls
- hang out with the tribe
- sushi
- froyo
- m&m pretzels
- essie nail polish
- hello kitty case for my bb
- cute surprise with posits, hehe
- go to the park, lol
- sleepover with my favowites
- hang out with mdlv
- hang out with fave blders
- hang out with my cousin!
- hang out with the 10 heads
- watch toy story 3
- watch love & other drugs
- watch morning glory
- chocolate covered strawberries
- black boots
- black purse
- a really nice letter / note
- a real ass hug
- necklaces / earrings
- a good laugh
- deep conversation
- mr. fav... i mean HAHA totally kidding, half. `;D

hopefully i can accomplish the things i wanna do with people! & i think if someone miraculously treated me to melting pot in hoboken, i think i'd seriously fall in love with them!

I will miss it. I miss it. I miss everything. I miss you.

SIGH. Our paths must cross again, teehee

Wow i feel like a little first grader having a crush like this on someone. teeheeee

Hey boy, I really wanna be with you
Cause you just my type
Ooh na na na na

...... JUST SAYING.

So I'm moving on
Letting go
Holding on to tomorrow
I've always got the memories while I'm finding out who I'm gonna be
We might be apart but I hope you always know
You'll be with me wherever I go



I don't remember the last time I felt so sure.

I AM BLOWING UP YOUR SPOT AS SOON AS I GET MY CHANCE TO. YOU CAN'T BULLSHIT A BULLSHITTER. I ain't even mad but when I came across that shit, I literally said 'EW'. I mean I may be assuming, but I have such a good feeling that I'm right. LOL OH LORD. Niggas these days are just so fuckin dumb it's ridiculous! SIGH. If people only knew how to lie!

i really have stopped expecting things from people especially you. seriously, the best & funniest shit happens when you least expect it.

We will not get fucked over. TRUST. We are way to smart for that.

On the other hand, i feel so tired sitting here in class waiting for class to start :( it's my eyes that feel tired actually, weh! anywho's i'm looking forward to a good weekend even though i'm not completely sure what i'm doing saturday. whatever, go with the flow.

tiredtiredtiredtired. *bbm yawn face

this is some absolutely crazy shit right now and i feel like tonight was the climax of it. seriously, it's all about living your mothafckin life. i really don't know what i'm fckin doing right now with my lunatic ass situation, but maybe that's the whole point of it. i mean if God is putting me through this, there IS a reason behind it all. if he didn't think i could get through it, he wouldn't put me up to it. i kinda feel so overwhelmed just because i feel so sure about things, but i'm pretty sure it won't last cus some btch will have to mess up everything.. *ahem cough, UGH! but whatever cus i already know.... at the end of the day, you know who matters. YEAH. okay. UM. yeah.. i love my life and the people in it and random talks with my ride or die niggas. AY NAKO.

i think it's time to have a boyfriend? no, not yet, God? okay fine .... -_- hahah wtf. i need some dimetapp to knock me out cus i'm going delirious and talkin outta my ass. ay na bata!

Wow.. didn't expect you to repeat those words, but I guess it's just reassurance? I'm still not expecting shit though and I'm definitely still on my I don't care mentality.

It's kinda sad. Really sad. At times I really wish things didn't end up like this & we never did whatever we did... I mean it's kinda like that Can't be friends songs by Trey songz.... kinda sorta.. a bit not really. yeknow? I don't know. I'm sad about it, yet at the same this is what I kinda wanted to happen and this is what I said I wanted to do but when I finally get it.. it blows up in my face. I don't know. I seriously never know. I don't want to "let go" and I certainly don't want to feel as if I'm "giving up". Then again, what's there to "let go" of and "give up" on if there was "nothing" to begin with... or like how can one miss what she's never had?

Sigh! Food for thought?

I really love knowing / seeing my friends happy even when I'm going & feeling like shit.

We live in the same town yet I still feel so distant. Here's to you and you and you and you....

Absolutely looooooving this! No sarcasm either! It really gives me like more of a reason to not want to do anything. I love it, I really do. It's helping me alotalotalot. Loves it. I'm happy. Yesyesyesyes. I feel like I'm becoming free-er? lmao okay, whatever. I'm going to go read and write because this laptop has got me wasting my life away with technology.

Great news! I actually don't even give a care. I'm not even mad. I don't even know if I feel anything towards what I found out. I'm glad I don't give a fuck. I have no reason to give a fuck. & I clearly do not want to give a fuck. Please stop thinking I'm stupid because I know far too much shit than what you think. I think I only get mad at my situation every time you bring it up. Like why do you always wonder? This is my situation. If I want to talk about it, then I'll bring it up. Not the other way around, please. I don't even want to talk to you about it anymore especially when you pulled something like that to me. DAMN. Straight whylin these days. Trust no bitch I'm tellin ya.

Lately I've just been more concentrated on a fucking bet I have with a friend. lmao. I think it's a good way to make my escape from it all too. I just want to win, pretty much. Thing is, I don't even know how long this will take -_- Hopefully soon so it'll be done with and I can go back to however it was like before all of this. Lalalala....

Someday I'll be waking up from a nap with the right person. Right time, right person, right everything. None of that right person, wrong time or vise versa.

-_- fook. ugh. weh. whatever.

4 months?... wowsers

Damn, I feel so betrayed. You already know my situation yet you still insist on pulling some shit like that to me. I don't care if you're joking around cause you already know how i feel about things. Damn, no wonder i have a hard ass time fully trusting people. Trust No Bitch.

I really miss going to the beach at night. I find it so peaceful to just sit there on the sand as I watch the waves crash. Maybe some night I can go there again before it gets too cold. Sigh* I'm just in need of a really good laugh and a nice deep conversation. Those conversations that really get you thinking and open your eyes to things. Ay nako.

Song of the night: Fall for your type - jamie foxx ft. drake.

I need to seriously find / meet new guy friends. Preferably niggas out of Union, please. gotdamn.

I hate this part right here...

I just hope that you miss me a little when I'm gone.

You don't realize what you have or what you had til it's gone and no longer yours. Sad truth, but that's reality for ya. So when I'm gone, don't come running back or come complaining to me because you know what... you had me and you had so many chances, but it's too late for you to realize that, now isn't it? You can't have your fuckin cake and eat it too... I guess people have a hard time realizing that. Stop trying to have best of both worlds because you'll be finding yourself ending up with neither. And if you ever asked me, I already know what I have and I been realized that this was something good until shit happened.... shit always happens.

"It's not called a second chance if you've been given a million of them before."

Everyone (or a lot of fucking people) annoy me. I'm so bitter. I'm so mean. Why are people so fcking annoying and whack. I hate that I get mad at everything. Why is it so hard to find REAL people these days!?

I need a fucking break. I need a vacation. I need to talk to a stranger. I need to vent. I need to cry. I need to catch up with old friends I haven't talked to in a good ass while.

I really miss my girls and being with them. That's the only time I can really forget about everything else that bothers me.

One of the reasons I keep holding on is because every dream I remember deals with you. I can't even count how many times these dreams keep me laying in my bed before I get up wondering why I just had that dream or what is it even trying to tell me.. It's kind of like false hope and I know I shouldn't be using dreams as an excuse. I guess it's because it's like a little getaway from reality. It's a fantasy world I secretly wish would happen in real life. Idk, I really think I'm going crazy. *Sigh -_-

I emotionally / mentally drain myself with this shit... no bueno

There is always something in my life to be happy about. Fuck da bullshit.

Let me know how my saliva tastes though. YEAH, UH HUH, MHM, I WENT THERE.

WHATEVER'S CLEVER.

Niggas do NOT even know. Don't ask, don't tell. Peace.

i do not care and i do not give a fuck mentality until i really do not fcking care and do not give a flying fck.

i kinda don't understand how i can be so positive to others yet consume negative thoughts within myself. ugh. i don't even know if i'm making any kind of sense right now -_-

when the time comes, i'll be a hypocrite for saying "i don't want a dude with baggage" because when all is said and done, i'll be walking away with baggage of my own. sigh. everything's just messy and complicated and confusing and tiring and i really don't know if this is worth it anymore.

i think you are the only person who could actually relate to my situation. secrets secrets secrets. crazy how much we & others don't know..

4/5 months down the road & i would have NEVER expected myself to still be/ be here. actually i never thought this would happen in my life LOL

this girl in my math class complimented me that she thinks i always dress nice. everyone & their mamas know i hate getting compliments but since she was a stranger, i actually said thank you really shyly. thank you girl in my math class. it really made my day because i tend to think compliments from strangers seem to be more sincere at times... yeah i know i'm weird.

WHEN YOU FEEL LIKE GIVING UP, THINK ABOUT THE REASONS WHY YOU HELD ON SO LONG.

At the end of the day we both know who matters.

& til this day i stick to what you said not knowing whether or not it still applies. i'm holding on for the sake of holding on. at the end, i know this is all part of my life experiences.

As much as i love the whole concept of dreams.. that shit gets me so confused. I've been having the oddest dreams with the same people in them and 9 out of 10 times, the SAME exact person is in all of my ferkin(omfg i need to stop saying this) dreams! it's weird but at times i'm not surprised. whatever! i'm just a ball of confusion when it comes to dreams, haha. so ofcourse i go to google to help me out a bit...

Basement
Symbolizes your unconscious mind and intuition. If the basement is clean and neat, you are happy and well-adjusted. If the basement is dark and spooky or messy and dirty, you are unhappy with your life right now. << luckily this basement was clean & neat, lmao.

Bridge
Bridges often signify travel and transitions. Dreaming of a bridge over water suggests that you could be conflicted in your emotions. If the bridge was unstable or collapsing, it could mean problems in a friendship or love relationship. << i was clearly climbing a bridge over water.. well isn't that just lovely... -_-

haha. i've been trying to write down my dreams just so i can look back at them hoping one day everything will just fit together, lol. i'm so odd..

Wow you really couldn't do one little thing for me.... I wonder and question about all the fucking time. Shakin my mothafckin head, dude.

since day one.. my insecurities have gotten the absolute best of me. it's been holding me back from so many things - chances, opportunities. i've realized this a long time ago yet i still have not found a solution for myself. it gets harder and i just try to keep it on the down low. i know i'm so much better than this. i know this isn't me doing all this. i need to really prove to myself that i am not this person. i hate the fact that i do this.. i just take a second to realize it and then ask myself why are you doing this. curiosity killed the cat..... maybe if i stopped being a pussy and bitch out last minute, i would finally find the answers i've been wondering about. i know i'm not going to find it here or there so why do i even bother? i need to go straight to the source. i really need to step my game up and do what i need to fkcin do. i'm tired of watching and wondering from the shadows as i let this all just happen to me, to us, and to whoever. Lord, please give me courage.

i don't get why you don't understand why he whyl's out when you're staying over at her place. i know how old you are but as long as we're still living in this house, we have to fcking listen to his rules. stop bitching, he does mad shit for you. you should be glad he hasn't kicked you out yet for the countless times you pulled this shit on him when he always tells you to just tell him ahead of time and not last minute. damn like what the fuck it pisses me off. your girlfriend is pissing all of us off. she doesn't even make an effort to have a relationship with this family. & you wonder if i like her.... yeah. my point exactly. i don't know if you're fcking whipped but man, you need to open your fcking eyes. this would all be okay if you were stable to live on your own... but obviously fcking not.



UGH -_- Nobody knows how hard it is to have so much pressure on you to finish school & start a career asap. Must. Stay. Focused.

i am starting to seriously seriously seriously not give a fuck. i'm caring less and it feels so much better. i am simply doing me. thank God.

at this moment i am happy and i am going to dilly dally as long as this lasts. i hate feeling like shit. thank you for the beautiful weather. thanks for being a friend to me. you really are a part of what makes me happy. no one will ever understand how we both see it. bcus maybe they simply don't need to. hmph, everything is perfect except that i have a headache :(



i wish some things lasted forever.

Oh hell no this bitch ain't serious! HAHAH I die. I'm going to hell for all of this. Whatever. Live your mothafuckin life.

um i'm gonna go shoot myself in the face now..... totally kidding -_- but i feel like getting hit just to get some kind of reality check. it's too fucking cold and i can't concentrate. i keep procrastinating and i have a paper due by 12AM. call me a fcking saint for setting my pride aside for this time and having a heart to tell you. i'm gonna go starve myself now because i hate myself, hah! i want to take those zumba classes. i want to lose a gazillion pounds. fuck you birth control pills. no, i'm still to blame. i am going to shoot myself if i don't get a response. i had a lovely talk today at panera. i am stuck in a fcking rut. i don't know what to do. i really need to start this paper and get my homework done. i'm tired of always being tired and trying to fall asleep but ending up falling asleep at 3AM. i miss people. i hope nothing changes. i miss having a decent cashflow. i need to go shopping. i need to go run. i want to throw up. i wish my running buddies still lived up the block so i could run with them. this weather needs to go somewhere. i hate the rain. i want the 70s please. i don't what i'm exactly doing for my 18th birthday. i'm craving sushi. i hate boys. i hate girls. i hate not feeling healthy. i wish i could join a gym. i complain too much. i am being a "victim" rather than a "creator". i like my ucc 101 class surprisingly. it's way too fcking cold in my house. Lord, please help me. i hate this. i will get over this. i am sorry for my emo and annoying posts.

on a brighter note. i had a great talk with one of my closest friends. every time i have one these good ol talks, it reminds me how blessed i am to have these people in my life. seriously, i don't know where i'd be in life without my friends. i must stay positive when shit gets tough. live life. stop thinking too much. be happy you're alive. i know you'll never see this but thank you so much. you always know how to put me back in place.

at the end of the day, we both know who matters. i must keep this in mind, always. and realize that you were the one who said this to me.

sigh.

"dis is not my fave diva talking who are you and what have u done to her? spit her back out you crazy wild thing"

i'll let you know or you'll know when i get back on my dee grind. i don't know what's wrong with me anymore and i don't feel like myself. i absolutely hate telling people/friends what's wrong with me because i don't need to put another burden upon their shoulders and making them worry about my own personal situations. maybe i'm a moody ass bitch because i'm getting my period soon but i know i shouldn't be blaming my period. just me. hopefully trying to go MIA from people will help me out.

i will be okay though. trust me.

i'm so sorry but i promise we'll get through this. i just hope you understand when the time comes around. miss ya...






& you & you & you..

another birthday you're not here to celebrate with us. the years, all the birthdays, the holidays, the vacations pass me by and you're not here. you're the only reason why i cry. the only hope that i do have a heart. i miss you so much and nobody knows because every time we go to visit you, i say nothing. absolutely nothing. it's not because i have nothing to say. it's because i can't say it without wanting to bawl. i hate crying in front of my family so i hold back what i want to say. i can't even say hi, bye, i love you, nor i miss you because the thought of me wanting to even say it out loud makes me want to cry. just to even think of you makes me want to cry. you are the only person i ever cry about. but i am grateful to have seen you in my dream last month. even it meant waking up in the middle of the night crying, falling asleep crying next to nile in his room, & waking up having to go to class with puffy ass eyes. it was the last time i saw you so clearly. we talked and told you to help me and the family with everything. sigh i just wish money wasn't a problem but i know life doesn't work that way and we can't have everything the way we want it. i just want you to know i love you and i miss you every single day of my life. i hope you're enjoying yourself and your birthday in heaven with your brother and mama. happy birthday.

& you know what really sucks? after being at the peak of your happiness... you don't gradually start feeling low.. you just straight up hit rock bottom without any slow regression. & now all i do is wonder.. when will i be that happy again.

i'm not saying i'm not happy. it's just... i've been better & now i'm just content. but why be content when i could be so happy?.. yeah.. i've had better days. october, you've really started off bittersweet. please be good to me.

Emotionally Drained. Tired.

Thank you for being another person that will help me recognize the real. I can't stand this shit anymore. I've been so good and in return, I dont' get the same shit. I know, I KNOW I don't deserve what I've been putting myself through. Maybe what I did is right this time and maybe I will finally stop hurting so much. & maybe, just fucking maybe, you will realize what you're losing. I am not the bitch who sits around and mope. Fuck this shit, bro. I am so much better than this.

sigh.. i wish tumblr wasn't so publicized. there's been so many times i've wanted to blog about so many things just to reach certain people but the fact that you have all these other followers / people peeping your tumblr, it's impossible for me to really let out some shit. it's whatever tho, atleast i have this to keep me sane and rant about my nonsense shit.

on another note.. i hate bad liars. like seriously now, please know how to cover your shit up if you're going to lie to someone.. or me because i can spot that shit out. yeah, i'm not gonna blow up your spot up or anything but damn. WHATEVER. fck outta here.

here's to another moody ass pointless blog. another night of feeling like i need to say random ass shit to make me feel better. i'm tired of being patient and i hate that i just said that. i hate feeling and KNOWING that things will not progress or go anywhere.. like seriously? it makes me not only feel dumb but LOOK dumb as well. #($*&! i just don't know. i hate when people don't notice the obvious. like really now!? okay whatever. i need to get on my exercise grind. i've been back on my eat healthy grind. i needneedneedneed x's fucking infinity to lose weight and get back into shape. i miss playing tennis. i hate this bitch ass weather. it's putting me into moods like this one. i miss the girls and being together and laughing at stupid shit. too much shit has changed for me to even keep up anymore. i just miss everyone and everything and i just might miss how everything used to be between us. i do like it now but realistically now... we've dug so far in too deep into this whole that until one of us really finds someone else, we're not gonna end up doing anything about it. i think i'll be done for the night.

I need to pray more and pray stronger. I don't like the fact that I'm drifting away from You.

I don't want to fall in love with you.

I don't know what I've been doing as of late.... Haha. I guess that's what comes with 'going with the flow'

Never thought I'd admit to myself that I miss you but hey, there's a first for everything..







I miss you.

It's been 3 months (& hey, almost 3 years this upcoming january. yeah i know, i really do keep track of things.) Wooptyfuckingdoo! I congratulate myself, seriously. I feel like I've been through hell and back & i'm still standing. Gone through a shit load of bullshit & i'm still comin out alive. We've got a lot more bullshit to come but I guess that's what i been should have expected.


2 months til i'm 18. YAYYYY, FINALLYY!

I find it easier to do some things when I just don't give a fuck.

I'm pretty sure i'm going to hell now for doing what i do... fuuuuck.

It will always be hard for me to let go. Time heals all wounds...

hi. hello. thank you. for everything. i hope this will be the beginning of my i'm-not-in-the-mood-to-eat-anything-i-hope-i-lose-weight-from-feeling-like-this-because-of-you. it's about time. it's my turn, shit.


a big fuck you to me. i knew this would happen. somebody smack me please! wahoo...


okay, enough of my bitter. emo ass fuckin posts. IM BETTA DEN DIS.

I act like shit don't phase me. Inside it drives me crazy. My insecurities could eat me alive.






I will fucking get through this.

I am so fucking tired of the bullshit and making up excuses.

I have so much that I want to say but I can't seem to find the right words..

Oh... so this is how it feels? It's been a while so I was bound to forget.

It really makes me melt when a nigga knows how to fuckin dress. Shiiiit

I'm getting moody = getting my fucking period.

asdfjkl;!@#$% I wiiiish you could just straight up telll me what's going on -_- You're kind of making me start to hate secrets (I'll take that back as soon as I finish my period) Everything is confusing. I'm tiiiiired. Finally it's friday! I can feel that I'll be having a good weekend, holla. I miss my fwiends. I wish I had money to dorm. I miss having a job / nice cash flow. I had fruity yogurt for the first time, holla. Visiting the biddies at RU was fun! Definitely doing it again w/ a side of partying, hehe. Yay I'm hanging out with the girls tomorrow! Yay Saturday should be fun. I miss the tribe called flurshhh. I want to finish my fat sammich. I missed jersey shore tonight! :( I can't wait for the fall season! I can't wait to rock boots all the time again, lol. I want my hair to get super duper long. These random ass breakouts need to go away. I wish I had a clear face. I need to go work out. I'm in the mood to go running (@1AM....lol) I kind of intend to make you fall in love with me. I'm half kidding about that last sentence. College life is cool.. even though I go to booty ass county. I made a new fwiend in Sociology today.. his name is Tom. I seriously need to go shopping, the fuck. Lalala I am currently talking out of my ass and my current song on rotation is All About You - Bruno Mars. Hehe.

No I am not drunk. Seriously.

(/End Random Ass Post!)

More & more everyday...


But if I could, I'd tell you that I'd be happy with or without you.

You're just a filler in the space that happened to be free. & I believe that feeling is mutual.


I'm tired from sleeping...what? Lol. Excited for my Thursday festivities. Wahooo!


(/End random post)

DEAR ME,

PLEASE STOP CARING. PLEASE.

LOVE, ME.

I wish I could say that all these other bitches can fall back but too bad I ain't in the place to say that... Fckin sigh's all around to that one.


I believe in forevers..... Forever lonely! (holla at marcypoop) I've built up a tough ass wall around my heart & I've created never ending excuses for myself just so I don't get into relationship because I'm scared.. Yes, flat out scared of what's going to happen. I know I'm all about living life but idk.. this shit scares me.

There are three kinds of secrets..

- Something you hide in the bottom of your heart because you don’t want it to be mentioned.
- Something, that you can’t say even if you want to.
- Something, you hope someone asks about even though your hiding it.

(via babygirls, kimchiyo's tumblr)

I don't know why I look through certain people's pictures when I know i'm going to get annoyed / pissed off. I don't know why i bother asking you certain questions when i know the answer will end up disappointing me anyway. I bring up people when I know i don't even want to say their names. I doubt everything you say when you usually don't even give me reasons to. I look when I shouldn't be.

I know i am so much better than what i put myself through. I just wish someone could tell me that i am, that what i'm doing is wrong, that i shouldn't be putting myself through this.. because i sure as hell don't listen to myself.. I'm stubborn and i still haven't learned how to swallow my pride when it comes down to this.

-_-

It's days like today that really make me thankful for who is in my life. I didn't really do much but I guess that was the thing.. I don't have to do much when I'm with my friends because I'll be happy either way. I love my life and every single one of my friends that make everything worth the crazy ass ride.

I enjoy spending time with you because we never get to. We've fallen way in too deep.

I wonder if I'm supposed to be feeling this way. I really don't know what i'm doing or what i'm seriously getting myself into but for now i guess i'll have fun with it. Sorry in advance.

Who in their right fucking mind would ever possibly think this kind of situation I'm going through would happen to me?!

I love my life. Summer 2010, you were my bitch & i made the best of it. I'm pretty sure my last day of summer was nothing short of fun :) hehe. Shit happens when you least expect it. Know fucking that.

I hope we make it past this.

I need to clear my mind.

"The higher up you are, the harder you fall" - Marcypoop


Currently progressing swell in my mission. Hollablack. Niggas don't realize that two can play this game. The world isn't ready. And as you said "this could go on for years." Idk bout you but those years could pass us by and they still won't be ready. Whatever's clever, doe.

Mission: Gottagetdaniggaondaleash

Holla atcho girl. I ain't about to be the only bitch in this situation. Hehe, sup bubba.


I'm evil, teehee

Got your back - TI & Keri Hilson

Sigh

Seems like some things are slowly falling into place. I guess i'm starting to realize things. I'm viewing the situation in a different perspective now. Hoping for the best but i'm not trying to get too hopeful because i don't want to end up disappointed again. At the end of the day I know we got each other and for now, that's all that should matter.

Just do you. Note2Self.

Forgive me but i just can't seem to stop complaining about my damn petty ass situations. i am so fucking tired of the bullshit i'm going through. everyday i wonder why i'm still around knowing that i'll be dealing with the same bullshit over and over again. tell what the fuck am i supposed to do when you put me through this shit.


just when i thought everything was going good, shit slips and i'm back to square one. feeling bittersweet about the mini vacay i'm going to but i'm starting to think that this shit is just what i need right now, again. cali proved me wrong about you, surprisingly in a good way. hopefully this beach trip proves me right. i'm just trying to get past this shit. i feel the pain. i feel hurt. when there should be no reason for this. everything's just complicated.

everything is just slipping right through my fingers. i'm slowly losing it. i'm slowly losing hope.

God, pleaseplease help me get through this one. I know this is just another one of those bumps in the road that i'll need You to guide me through.

I wish you weren't so oblivious to the hurt. I wish I could trust you. I wish you could just prove to me one thing. I'm just starting to think this is all wrong. Wrong person, wrong time.

Forevers

When all is said and done, at the end of the day... it all comes down to that one person.

It's time I really get onto the fuckin next one. I don't deserve to be like this. Bitches.. they come, they go. I'm letting go. I'm going with the flow. I'm doing me.. which what I've trying to do for a while now. Fuck it, I've got missions to accomplish. It'll help me move on. Please don't try to bring me down. It's about time I do something for myself.




Wdup papi.

Same fcking shit but just different day.. different time.. different week.. what the hell. i can't stress it enough of how tired i am from all of this. never have i ever, never would i have thought that i'd have to put up such a front to so many people and tell all these little white lies. but never would i have guessed anything.. like ever being the other one. i'm tired of putting myself through the same thing time after time. i ask myself why do i stick around. i tell myself that i'd be better off on my own. i've reminded myself constantly that this is the wrong time. yet, i still don't know how to listen. i am still stubborn. i still don't know what i want. i don't even know how i should feel. never would i have thought i'd be caught in a situation like this one. i'm emotionally and physically tired. i get drained. i'm getting hurt. but. nobody knows. nobody will ever know for a long time.. the world isn't fucking ready that's why. it's not like i'm ready myself anyway. i constantly wonder why do things have to end up like this. why do i have to be the one getting hurt all the time because i'm putting up this front like nothing exists. it's cus people aren't ready for the truth and honestly, i'm not sure what is the truth anymore. the constant fronts and white fib lies seem to be overpowering what i find to be the truth.

i keep getting reminded to just do me but when things have gotten this far.. how am i supposed to concentrate on just doing me? i'm always questioning, trying to find the right answers, but i still tend to find all the wrong ones. I. Am. Tired. I'd love to leave it all and go but it isn't as easy as it sounds. I wish it was. It's been weeks since things haven't been the same at all.. and i know things will never go back to how they used to be. all i can do is keep moving forward, hoping that this will all work out in the end. hearts wont be broken, friendships will only improve, relationships will grow. but who knows. i was the one who say i don't like looking too much into the future yet i still wonder what is going to happen.

"we'll see what happens"

i'm tired of wondering but only time can tell.

"secrets are meant to be found out later on"

if the world can wait, i can too.

Tell me, where do we go from here?

I'm tired of this. Headache after headache. Someone please teach me that it's okay to cry.. that it's okay to not always have everything seem like it's going perfect.. that i don't need to put up a front that i'm always just "fine".. cause lately i've been feeling like a rock. I want to cry but i absolutely can't. I've always been the one to hold up my composure like everything's okay but it's seriously about time for me to have some kind of fucking breakdown so i can let out every damn thing. When you bottle up these emotions, there comes a time when I just need to let it out.

Cali-freaking-fornia couldn't come any sooner. 5 more days. Goin back to where I left my heart and hopefully i'll leave you behind there too. I've played this game for too long.

Done.Done.Done.Done.Done.Done.Done.Done.Done.Done.Done.Done.Done.Done.Done.Done.Done.Done.Done.Done.Done.Done.Done.Done.Done.Done.Done.Done.Done.Done.Done.Done.Done.Done.Done.Done.Done.Done.Done.Done.Done.Done.Done.Done.Done.Done.Done.Done.Done.Done.Done.Done.Done.Done.Done.Done.Done.Done.Done.Done.Done.Done.Done.Done.Done.Done.Done.Done.Done.Done.Done.Done.Done.Done.Done.Done.Done.Done.Done.Done.Done.Done.Done.Done.Done.Done.Done.Done.Done.Done.Done.Done.Done.Done.Done.Done.Done.Done.Done.Done.Done.Done.Done.Done.Done.Done.Done.Done.Done.Done.Done.Done.Done.Done.Done.Done.Done.Done.Done.Done.Done.Done.Done.Done.Done.Done.Done.Done.Done.Done.Done.Done.Done.Done.Done.Done.Done.Done.Done.Done.Done.Done.Done.Done.Done.Done.Done.Done.Done.Done.Done.Done.Done.Done.Done.Done.Done.Done.Done.Done.Done.Done.Done.Done.Done.Done.Done.Done.Done.Done.Done.Done.Done.Done.Done.


K cool. Thanks. K bye.

Absolutely the most fucking confusing piece of shit by far.

Through all this bullkaka nonsense I'm going through, I've learned to confront shit that needs to be out in the open through you. Um, who would've thought I've had the guts, huh.

Change. Change. Change

Sluts are easy but they are NOT wifey material...


Mhm KNOW DAT. At the end of the day you know it's that wifey material a nigga wants.



PS. #)*$ Loyalllll my ass. Heh...

I come from a family of assholes...

Fucking asshole.

"I'll believe it when it happens"

... Yeah, I'll believe it when it happens. When everything stops being all talk and something actually happens. When you finally do what you keep saying you will do.

When you finally prove to me what this is.

But til then.. everything's just bullshit to my ears, honey.

You are right...







..... Anything is Possible

Lalalal Fml. Whatever. Um I'm living life... confused as fuck. Okay umm.... continuing to go with the flow of things because I have no better input to into it. As long as this shit is smooth sailing then I'm good.




"Go to the beach at night" better be crossed off my Summer List of Things to Do by tomorrow morning... =)

*Inhale...&Siiiiiiiigh

I'd like to see how far you'd try to break down my walls. I wanna see how much of an effort you'll put in to try and get my guard down. You're more than welcomed to but I'd like to know how hard you'll try. If you think I'm actually worth the time, worth your energy, worth waiting around for, worth what you're even doing. &Honestly.. I don't think you'll make it very far. I don't think I am worth it at all. & I don't think you'll want to try anymore after a while. But who am I to say? I'm only assuming. I'm only second guessing. I don't know what anyone is capable of. But til the day I shed a tear and tell you that you are so close.. I guess I'll be waiting around.. because that's all I ever do.. for whoever comes away.

I wish I knew how or why I became like this. Maybe someday I'll get a fcking answer to why my heart is so guarded.. why I got, like, the great wall of fcking china built up. It's kind of annoying and for some reason I can't even do anything about it. I guess it's just me. Which explains why I'm not one to open up easily or let just anyone into my heart. Tough love I guess, huh..

At times, I don't think I'll ever let my guard down. For anyone.. not even you.

But hey... I guess it was about time somebody told me I'm not like any other girl they've met / known.

betta know dat.

WHY AM I DOING THIS?!

Summer 2010.... probably the funniest, ridiculous, confusing, wtf, craziest, funnest, partyhardy, stupidest, heart wrenching, over analyzing, dazed, chillest, dumbest, adventurous, spontaneous, banginest & best summer yet. Even years / summers are always the best. It just keeps getting better. Sigh. I love my life. Fuck the downfalls. Gotta get right back up where you left off.

My account is currently 1,234.76. Lol just found that pretty amusing.

4 more days..... weee excited :)

Why must someone always have to end up getting hurt. It's either you or the other. Why can't we just all end up happy. Everything seems to be nonsense now.

Why is everyone so whack... Honey, stop thinkin you're so dope.

So young & naive....

I'm sitting here, 15 minutes before i leave for work, thinking how funny God works. He has such a funny way of communicating with me in my damn life. I remember telling myself how i wish i had boy problems (lmfao, i know it doesn't make sense but if you were me, it does) & look.. it's been a year & suttin,suttin & i have my boy problem. God seriously has such a sneaky way of granting you things.... It's hilarious.

Still sitting here.. with such mixed emotions of what happened last night. I don't know how i should be feeling actually. I'm happy, yet confused, yet surprised, yet like what-the-fuck-was-that-last-night, yet did-that-really-just-happen. I remember falling asleep for a good minute and then kan waking me up.. thinking that everything that just happened was just a dream. I asked her and she said it wasn't. Redic how funny life gets you. It can just throw you the biggest curve ball at any given fckinng time.

Yeup, still sitting here with 10 minutes left. I don't know what to do & I don't know what to say. I guess being in that state of mind is so much easier to talk to you. 1 month.... 1 month. It's the only thing that keeps replaying in my head. 1 fucking month. I made the decision and I am hoping i go through with it. Yet after 1 month... I don't know what will happen. I don't want anything to happen.. for the worse I mean. I hope after a month, everything will still be the same from last night. Either that or even better. Yet I am still so confused. I asked you so many times why me & every time you answered, it still didn't do me justice. WHY ME. Seriously, Why the fuck me. I guess til friday when we finish this up... even though I was hoping to start my fucking month today.....

1 month. I hate you so so much..

I'll be back to finish up my crazy nonsense when I come home.

Did not fucking see that coming...




Every new day makes me love life even more. Live life. All day err day.

You are a possible candidate to fall in love with. Real talk. I wish all guys were like you. SIGH. why must everything be so complicated. In time, in time. My shit will fall into place and maybe just maybe we will fall in love. YAY. happy ending. Most likely not because I'm such a dreamer and um we want the same things.. which is not wanting anything. WAHOO. okay um I should go get ready now. dA g0Od Lyf3

Is it wrong for me to admit that I don't miss you? The feelings probably mutual anyway. I hope you are happy and I'm going to keep assuming, although I know it's bad, that you are because I know I am. Maybe this was the right choice. I'm not going to beat myself up for being happy. I'm doing me.

I don't know what to do anymore. I am so mad at myself. Everything is just kicking my ass right now. One thing I hate is disappointing my dad.. After telling him what I found out will definitely make him upset. UGH. I hate myself so much. I don't know what is wrong with me.. seriously. It's so hard to keep up with everything. I'm slowly losing it and I don't know how to balance anything out anymore. The pressure is slowly building up again. Just when I thought everything was fine, shit goes down hill. I am so tired of knowing I'm not good enough for shit. Everyday something reminds me how I'm not good enough. I'm so tired of this.

God, please help me.

I'd like to go somewhere & randomly talk to a stranger just so i can fcking vent about anything & everything right now... -_-

Asshole for life.



You know it's over when I just don't give a fuck. This makes everything 49539450x's more easier.



I love life. & Summer

I kind of feel unstoppable & for some reason.. the choice I've made feels so right to follow

"If she’s amazing, then she won’t be easy. If she’s easy, she won’t be amazing. If she’s worth it, you won’t give up. If you give up, you’re not worth it."

Fuck it. Summer's still all good in the hood.

I fuckin hate when people act a different way just because they're in front of other people. BITCH stay true to your fuckin colors. You're cool and all but you piss me the fuck off sometimes. You know damn sure that you don't talk like me or like that. & you are SO obvious when you flirt with niggas and try to 'lure' them in.. WE SEE RIGHT THROUGH YOU. No wonder that shit went down in middle school.. MHM.

Okay. /END RANT.

Determined to accomplish so much shit this summer. Oh my gosh....

I wish being anorexic didn't do any harm to you and just made you get skinny. GOSH. Being big blows major big balls -_-

Going in with no type of expectations this time because I was kinda let down before....

On a brighter note, annual camping trip this weekend til monday :) I'm happpy & excited cus I get to spend time with my favowites! Love zem & I know we'll be having a bangin time. Holla atcho gurl. LOL

Time to step up my nail polish game again. I've been slacking... stupid work that doesn't allow painted nails! >:(

Sometimes I miss you..

I don't understand why people are so fake. If you don't like a bitch, WHY YOU KEEP HANGING/ TALKING WITH HER/HIM/THEM?! Makes no fuckin sense. People these days, I swear, it's so hard to find real ass heads. If you don't like somebody.. keep your distance homie. I know I talk shit, but who the fck doesn't. Atleast I don't sugar coat myself and suck up to bitchz I don't like. Most of the time, I won't even talk to you. Duh. Plain & simple. Some people do not get shit. UGH.

/ENDRANT.

It really really sucks that I'm missing out on grad parties/ parties with my class cus I know I won't be able to see a lot of them for a while :( Events clashing on the same day / weekends really sucks major balls.. I guess I'm just not meant to be there though. Everything happens for a reason. Remember. that. always.

why must people be full of bullshit -_- i'm sick of this shit

A lot of shit hasn't been going my way but I gotta continue to live. I can't let shit phase me. Gotta keep doing what I gotta do.

You still have some way of making me mad... how fckin nice is that

Mhm... That should be me.. That should be me.



sigh

Summer 2010 is the shit so fucking far.

It hurts to see you sometimes. Too many memories

I think that's why society is fucked up... We always want what we can't have -_-

“Don’t talk to me, don’t look at me. And no, we can’t be friends. This little game you’re playing has to end. You can’t flirt with me like it’s nothing because you’re breaking my heart. My entire world is falling apart. So you go your way, and I’ll go mine. I’m going to get over you, I just need time.”


... how I felt some time around a month ago.. cool. I'm okay now though.

BUT on the other hand.. i really do miss you. &thanks, cus it really made my night.

If only you could see how cute we'd be together holding hands.... HAHA

I hate hate hate when a bangin dream feels soo real... what the fuck. It felt so real that I tried waking myself in the dream to check if it was real & I didn't wake up so I'm going along in the dream thinking it's reality .... Shit is tooo good to be true. Hahaha. & having bangin dreams make the person 10x's more attractive than what you already think of them. Fuck you dreams! Such cute, good dreams giving me false hope. Das fucked uupp.

Serendipity if I see him in the future.. maybe at a party.. & I will make conversation with him about how we used to be close... LOL. Hopefully I'm drunk.. half kidding :) hehe

I guess it really isn't the same anymore, huh...

TO DO LIST for the NIGHT OF JUNE 23:

- Clean room
- Set aside outfit
- Switch purses
- Put yearbook next to purse
- Do nails
- Letters

I can't believe I'm graduating tomorrow. Where in the fuck did high school / time go.. 2010<3

"We go days without having a meaningful conversation, and I used to miss you so much when that happened... but it never seemed like you missed me. And I guess because of it, I stopped missing you."

I don't know. I just don't know anymore. I feel so isolated from the world.. even if I am out with a bunch of friends, I still feel so lonely. I know it's just me. It's always me. I bring things upon myself. I know I over analyze things and I know I think too much. I can't stress it enough how every time I vent out.. it's the same exact things, over and over again. I don't know what it is and I don't know what to do about it.

I miss how it used to be. I miss how we used to be. I miss too many things. I just might miss everything. I'm usually one to have the forget - about - the - past mentality & just live in the present but lately, things have really been getting to me. Shits tough. I've let go of so much thinking that I'd be happier but for some reason, I just feel like I'm missing different little pieces of me. Maybe cutting things out of my life wasn't the way to go. I'm just hoping within time, things will finally fall into place. I can only wait because I feel like I just need to give up on trying with certain things. My go-for-it mentality isn't the same how it used to be. Too many things have brought me down, made me fall, and for some reason, it is just so hard to pick myself back up.

I've been drifting from one of the most important people in my life. God. My prayer life has been so low. I've been tired & uninspired in everything. I know understudying for this retreat will enlighten me for sure. It is seriously what I need. It's funny how retreats always come in time when you need it the most. As of now, my prayer life must improve.

Sometimes I feel like I don't even know who I am anymore. I seriously feel so lost in this world filled with millions of people. I don't know where to start with you. Where did all of it go? What happened to us? Seriously, I'd like to know but I'll brush it off.. just how I brush off everything that comes my way. I didn't think it'd end up like this again but things happen for a reason right? I guess so. I guess when you realized that I wasn't trying anymore, you stopped too. So who is it to blame? Both of us. You and I are the ones to point fingers at. It's like it just happened silent & deadly. But between all the wondering and confusion, I hope you miss us. (&Ugh not even like that) I must admit, we were fun. I was happy knowing that no other person has chances like that with you. There's too much.. that it can't possibly just all be thrown away like this. I hope you miss me.

“So are you two faced, or am I being used? Because either way, that’s just wrong. I guess, I’m supposed to be okay with just being a replacement, there when you need me, not there when you don’t care. You say I’m your best friend, but you won’t talk to me. You are just all kinds of wrong. And, I’m tired of it. Whatever.”

CALIFORNIA.... we will officially meet again. Summer 2010. YAYAY

Via tumblr

I haven't been studying whatsoever for the only 3 finals i have to take. I feel bad lying to my dad about studying, lmao. Idgaf about any type of hs work anymore. SUMMER 2010

2010 is my fucking year. No doubt bout that.

TO DO LIST for TODAY 6/15:
- bake cuppycakes :)
- fill out UCC app... -_- living nightmare.. sigh
- finish anatomy packet
- study for clothing
- start studying for other finals
- tidy up room if time
- pick out an outfit so it doesn't take forever to get ready in the AM
- pack goodies for tomorrows festivities, wahoo!

I can't believe I'm going to say this but I will miss senior year. Nights like tonight make me grateful for the friends I got in school and the shit we're able to do together. Haha.

Note2Self: 3 more days left to make dem moves or else i'm beat. lmfao

I think there's something a bit wrong when you look exactly the same all four years of high school.. lmao okay that was a bitch say. kbye

How good it feels to say that I'm over it. I'm done dealing with your bullshit. I'm gone, dear. I'm not going to try anymore and I'm no longer doing anything first. & Honestly, I really don't give a flying fuck anymore. Do your own thing and please leave me alone. Don't start saying stuff to me because I'm done. & Please, please, calm down. You ain't shit at all.

SO ON TO THE NEXT ONE... Makin moves cause Summer 2010 will be another fcking good summer. No doubt bout that.

I would absolutely love to shove a nice cup of shut the fuck up and calm the fuck down, down your throat.




I need a haircut

You're so fucking dumb and oblivious. IF ONLY YOU FUCKING KNEW.

Um. This is kinda fun so I guess I'll see how far I can make it.. even though I know I am making myself look like a damn fool. Whatever, fuck it! Senior year is almost over, who the fuuuck cares =)

Sometimes I really wonder because a lot of shit does not make sense. A lot of people don't make sense either.

I can't believe prom & the weekend is really over already. Shit goes by toooo fast. Next up... graduating. Hm.. at least I can get back to not eating all that shit we ate during the weekend. I'm getting huger. Mm, back to my barely eat - healthy food only diet. sounds good!

I can't believe prom is over. It's crazy how shit goes by so fast. Starting prom weekend in less than 2 hoursss. Gotta finish packing, shower, then get some kinda rest before I drive for the first hour. Craaaazy :) 2010, baby. let's do disssss.

To Do List - For the rest of the night of 6/2 - 2PM of 6/3:

- Clean Room
- OverPackkkkkk lol
- Laundry at trixia's hahaha
- Silver shoes
- Clutch
- Pick up paycheck
- Target
- Macy's (?)
- Dollar Tree
- Bank :(

Hopefully that's ittttt.

Why the fuck must you have to sugarcoat all the bullshit? Make it short, sweet and simple.. I want it right to the point. Don't beat around the bush. Asshole, I can see right through you.






I hope you've been doing fine.

You still manage to make me feel bad even if we haven't talked or chilled in a good while.. What the fuck, bro. Whatever, prom weekend.. all things aside & it'll be time to get saucy and not care about you.

Prom in about 5 days & prom weekend in 6... I'm excited, shit. Here's to the nights we won't remember, the people we'll talk to for only the weekend and the shit that will go down. I can't wait. I hope everything works out well, hehe.

So for my own personal use...

To Do List:
- Work Sat - Mon :(
- Sbc photoshoot?
- Tan/ pooool at cristina's
- Get eyebrows done... & everything else hahah hopefully
- Accessories!!
- Food shopping with the house hoez
- Pay for a&f
- Shoes, omg.
- Go to the mall for clothesies
- Laundryyy
- Packkkk
- Make packing list for weekend

So much to doooo, so little timmeee. I got this though.

I could just might get used to this..

Sometimes I wish I could tell you I hate you and mean it but that's seriously just not me.

By now, I thought and I hoped so much that you've changed but you know what... you are still the same fucking person. People apparently saw some kinda goodness in you but no, fuck that, cus you're back to your same old ways. You fucking wonder why I act a certain way but come to think of it... I think I use it as a way to somehow get back at you for all the times you've hurt me. Yes, you have hurt me and I know for a damn fact you don't fucking know that. Most of the time you don't even watch what you say, you don't think before you say things and you don't think before you act. Do you ever realize what you just said to someone? No, I didn't think so. Rude comments and talking under your breath? Get the fuck outta here with that bs. You have so much nerve and fcking pride. Calm the fuck down, homie. Call me a hypocrite but I know damn fuckin well that I've stuck up for my friends more times than you ever did or probably ever will so don't tell me that I'm getting defensive for backing up a friend. So a big fuck you, a very big fuck you. I don't think I deserve bullshit like this. I always went through life wondering why and how I'm friends with the people in my life but with you.. I REALLY fucking wonder why the fuck I am still your friend, why the fuck I deal with the bullshit when I make it clear that I hate it. You make me so mad yet I still stick around. What the fuck is this, man.

I may hate confrontation but I know damn well that I've done more confronting in this friendship than you ever did.

“I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.”

Whatever this is bullshit so I'll just get over it tomorrow and shit.

Sigh.. Seriously, who doesn't miss the simple, cute things about being in a relationship/talking to someone? I'm always reminded of it & the subject is always brought up somehow, whether it's a conversation with friends, watching movies, looking through pictures, etc. It's a bittersweet feeling to see such happy, love-filled relationships around me... well duh, only cus i'm a loner. haha but other than that, I'm glad I'm single too. I can honestly say I'm happy either way. I don't need someone to make me happy. I don't constantly need someone to always be there to talk to because I actually like having time to myself. But even though I don't need someone.. it's just nice to have someone around.

You see me, but you don't see me. If only things were easier. If only things weren't really like this. If only people really knew. If only...

If only it can stop already. Another reason why I'm so excited is because I don't have to face it anymore. Memories flash in my mind all the time of when I thought things were, I guess you could say, uh, fine? I'll wait though because I'm not gonna be the first one to admit it.