tennis court soundtrack - daphne loves derby

christmas eve @ the hernando's was fun though i terribly miss the ruby's/magallanes. stupid arizona. i swear time goes by so fast, i hate it. i feel like i can't do anything anymore. after the party all the cof kids slept over except for one of my brothers cos he was being a goon cos he didn't have anywhere to put his contacts. what a girl! k just kidding. that was fun. pictionary never gets old. i love when we're all together, we have too much fun. lol. went home in the morning with the cuzzo's and spent christmas day at home as usual with the fam. then took a huge nap in my brothers room. he has a pretty comfy bed but definitely not as comfy as mine! lol his comforters are really comfy too but yet still not as comfy as mine. slept for like a million hours making up for the sleep time i lost from the past night cos most of us got like an hour of sleep. anywho's i don't know why i'm still even up. its 335AM & i need to be up&ready before 9 cos i'm heading to Eagle Rock in PA. pretty much a last minute thang cos i didn't know until a couple of hours ago, haha.. thru a text. lol. speaking of text, my tita was telling me how she has a family texting plan for 5 people for only 30 bucks! wow tell me thats not a good deal! it def is so i def told my pops about it so we're prob gonna get that plan cos my brother(the goon who didn't sleepover) def doesn't know how to manage his texting & always goes over. okay i'm gonna end it here and actually go to my room like what my away message really says.

letting go - janelle monae

you are the only person that could help me..


the should, could, would haves. used to be's, what was supposed to be. what should have happened, what really happened. what's gonna happen, what will happen. if i did this different, if i did that different. neverrr should've but i did it anyway. we ran out of reasons. i don't usually do this but i think i give up.


i'm tired

happy thanksgiving!

happy thanksgiving to everybody! hope you're as thankful as i am for everything in my life. count your blessings. spending thanksgiving in nutley this year. it hops from each of our houses every year so this year it's at the moreno's. potluck all the time so my dad made our fam specialty as usual; spaghetti.

cousin is sleeping over again & we're gonna go shopping even earlier this year. lol i'm mad souped. i think we're gonna hit up garden state plaza instead of woodbridge & menlo this time. woopwoop. have a great thanksgiving =)

quit frontin

no really, quit frontin. for the better or for worse, things always change. it's inevitable. you gain new friends you lose your old friends. sucks but sometimes you can't do nothin about it. maybe next time. know the people you got. they might not be there for you tomorrow. true story.

"just say a little prayer"

must say, life has done it again and threw me off track with another one of those eye opening, good kind of realizations. i must say they are quite beautiful when you least expect them. life's so unpredictable.


on another note, we had those type of convos in the car earlier..
"I feel like i don't deserve my happiness"
"Then that means youre not really happy"
I'm constantly thinking i'm truly happy but i often do question myself.. why am i so happy? i feel like i am happy. i guess i am, but i dont know. wtf am i even saying, haha. maybe deep down inside of me, like way deep down inside of me, im not that happy and life ain't feelin so complete? imu

miss independent - neyo

fuuuuuck that. you are such a waste of time, i don't even bother anymore. so don't give me any bullshit cos there is absolutely no point anymore. peace the fkc out dude.

party girl - janelle monae

life's been good. it's been straight chillin - school. tennis. & looking forward to chilling/relaxing on weekends pretty much. i ain't complainin though cos there really isn't anything to be complaining about. though i am in a party/let's go buck wild mood, lol. but it's all good cos friend's birthdays are coming uppp! yay. speaking of birthdays, mine is coming up in a month & so days. i don't really want anything particular but maybe i'll pull some things outta my ass one of these days when i'm really bored & make a birthday wish list. haha. so lately i really haven't been giving a fkc as much as i thought i would. holla for not giving a fkc & no regrets baby! i should put that as my senior quote next year. lol sikenah, maybe. it makes me happy thinking about it how much idgaf, haha. i'm so gay! but anywho's. school's been the same. annoying ass people in an annoying ass enviornment but i get through with the help of my girls & friendsss. i got picture day on friday. yay for no school thursday & monday. i found out my teacher lives pretty much down the street. how weird is that. haha. other than that, i miss alot of people. i haven't talked to some of my good friends in a while due to school / barely getting to see them. booo. i have yet to catch up with people. toodlez!

$@!%#

sometimes i wonder why the hell i still put up with you & why we're friends but i still do anyway bcos i think in some deformed way, we need each other someway, somehow. i'm pretty much speaking outta my ass but whatever. i hope you randomly find my blogspot one day and know it's you i'm talking about. imy and i think you should stop thinking so badly about her lately cos i know deep down inside of your nutcase self, you still like/love, whatever you wanna call it, her.

chasing pavements - adele

it's been a good hour i guess with chasing pavements on straight up rotation with the sounds of IMs in the background too. lol. definitely putting me in that wanting to have a bangin ass life conversation for some reason. i haven't had one in such a long time. well it's not like you can even plan to have one anyway, it just happens spontaneously and that's what i love most about them.

so i'm just sitting here at 328am in this blogging kind of mood. damn i'm still in summer mode & i still will be until i realize it's getting colder. i miss not knowing what day it is & sleeping late on weekdays and getting to sleep in the next day.. so.. i have this friend that i really consider my ride or die nigga. it's pretty ironic cos we really don't talk as often as we want to and don't get to chill cos we're always busy with our own lives but it's the kind of friendship where we know we've got each others back. sometimes friendships aren't always based on how much you talk to someone but how much they've proved to you what friendship really is, is what really matters in the end. it's hard to find good friends sometimes and real niggas who are always gonna be there for you.. but when you do, don't ever pass it up and let them go. you'll never know when you'll find another person like them again. you win some you lose some. people come and unfortunately, they go as well. constant changes happen in friendships happen all the time too and we can't do anything about it.. as much as we want to, we cant.

i hate losing friends, well i dont really think can say that i have but i definitely hate drifting away from people i consider close friends due to whatever kind of reason. hate it when people act different around other people. like when someone gets shady. ugh. don't know why i still put up with it but i guess it's cos i cant deny you're a good friend.. when i think of it i can't believe how much time has passed me by so quickly. my friendships have grown a lot with people and i've definitely grown through a lot of those friendships as well. i never expected my cards to play out like this and wouldn't have ever thought things would go down like how it's been goin down. but it's all good. no regrets. i think its too much for me to think about at once how much change & growth has happened in my life.

ay bay bay

wdup i don't give a fuck and thats what must be keeping me so high on life lately. my summer was bangin & i'm about to go back to that shitty place in two days.. well technically one. i'm kind of used to waking up early now since i had tennis in the mornings for the last two weeks. so my summer was eventful & kept me occupied so that made me happy. can't believe i'm about to be a junior, high school years have been passin by just like that! anywho's back to summer, i'm gonna miss it.. i didn't get to party hardy as much as i wanted to with my girls but that's okay, whats better than spending time with family! no really, lol. i don't know how this school years gonna be but i'm hoping its gonna be as good as all my other years. they say junior year is your most stressfull year, but i'll make it unstressfull if anything! but yeah i don't know where this is going.. i should go take out my laundry now & load my next batch. i wanna cut my hair btw. liketype shoulder length short but i know i'm gonna end up regretting it, but hey no regrets baby, no regrets right! right, okay whatever i don't know if i'm gonna actually do it lol. & shit i still need to read my summer reading book. haha oh well.

<3

summer has definitely been bangin. can't believe how long it felt yet it went by so fast. time does go by fast when you're having fun. holla! school can really suck my big dick though!

coincidences were a bit too much

sometimes all you could do is regret something.. or having the other option of just not giving a fuck about what happened. i'd like to think that i really just don't care but that'd be a lie. it sucks to know that when you've got your hopes up high about something, most of the time you're bound to get hurt or disappointed in some way. i've really been trying to avoid getting too excited about things but i guess i slipped and let this get a hold of me. at the same time i still think this is the right way to go but it's the wrong time, Really wrong time. shit happens and not everything can go how you'd like it to be. i guess only time can tell. i'll be better tomorrow. wishyouthebestest & i really do mean it.

falling even more in love with you

School's almost done which means summer is right around the corner. which means auxieing YE is coming. & camping 08 & FL with my bffffllll & cali 08 & late night conversations, sleeping even later because i already sleep so late, random sleepovers, partying, good laughs, more insiders, nyc, beach, friday nights, birthdays, nc, and etcetcetc. yayay. yup, i can't complain. i'm happy with the people in my life. & HE never ceases to amaze me <3

welcome

to the real world where so many people are assholes and f!kced up in the head. choose the wrong thing to do even though doing the right thing isn't so hard. where self inflicted problems occur and theres nobody to blame but yourself. where you've got people you think are your ride or die niggas later finding out you only really have less than the finger count on your right hand. where sometimes you have to deal with your own shit instead of somebody else trying to help you through it. where its hard for you to find your place in this world and all you can do is keep wanting to find it. where dislikes exists and its hard for you to forgive and get moving on. where sometimes you'll be ending up at the right place but wrong ass time. where you've gave up on trying. where you keep thinking you'll never get a break from it all. where youre gonna be satisfied yet still want more. where youre going to be happy but an ounce of stupid will kill your joy. where drifting away from people means that one of you has moved to another planet. where you can't trust nobody and at times maybe not even yourself. where youre going to think nobody else in this world doesn't feel the same way or understand you one bit. the place where your gonna lose yourself. i lied.. maybe this shit aint the real world but i know it has something to do with me.. i can't seem to listen anymore.

sun storm - mac lethal

And I know there's something beautiful within my grasp
And I know I think I'm satisfied but it won't last
And I know to lace my boots up and pick my path
I'll find another rain storm to fill my glass

another day. another chance. another opportunity to change. im sick and tired of constantly beating up myself for all the wrong doings and mistakes i've done. no one else's fault but my own. tired of the heavy hearted feeling and pretending like nothing is happening when i step out the door. it was the past and that's where i'm gonna leave it at.

why dont we fall in love - amerie

So many things I'm goin' through
So much that I wanna do
It startin' to become so clear to me
Tomorrow ain't really guaranteed

differences.

out with the old and in with the new. time to change up some things around here. i've got nothing to lose.

it's a hairflip

i dont think i have had a really bangin' ass deep conversation in a while until today. holler. thank you God for putting these girls into my life. i think i really needed one too actually. i've been going through mad ups and downs with myself lately. our convo really got me thinking and if you know me im always thinking! usually thinking too much, which isn't such a good thing. hah. man, sometimes i wish i could truly be happy as i intend to be. i find it hard to keep a constant happiness within myself, especially with this kind of world we live in and the stupid things i overthink and analyze about. sigh* i feel like i need to do so much things differently in my life. i need to figure out what am i even doing with it in the first place. its a pain in the ass to try and find some meaning sometimes.

damaged - danity kane.

i am currently undergoing the biggest mood swings ever and it's annoying as hell and no it's not my period. maybe i'm just bipolar as hell. haha. there's still that one piece missing waiting to fill me but yet i still don't know what it is. im satisfied yet im not. i wish i could find the answers in a book.. life is like a damn roller coaster. true effin story..





*&! please keep kevin gongob in your prayers.

damn.

i love my life and it kinda sucks that it took me this long to really realize this. <3 I Love You Lord. Sorry that me, kan, & lauren aren't going to church today =x & what happened last night. haha. ThankYou for the people you have really put in my life.. <3

get it together.

They're Right. I think i may be holding something back. but i dont even know what. I don't know what im doing or what im even searching for. I'm tired of thinking too much and all these what ifs, what could have been, what should have been, or maybe if i didn't do this or acted like that. in need of soul searching and hiatus. i feel like im losing myself. I wish i could find somebody real to relate to. i'm finding myself making every possible mistake.

my weekend.

i still remember when my friends and i would talk about how we all couldn't wait to take YE and YLSS retreats. we've already taken YE back in july and this past weekend we took YLSS. i can't believe how fast time caught up with us. i swear it feels like life just passes me by sometimes. i wish retreats didn't have to last so short but at the same time it feels so long. the experience was incredibly good and i'm happy that i got shepherds that were easy to talk to. so i ended up getting the gift of tears and hopefully i'll get the gift of tongues in the future. so i'm gonna try my best to keep up with this good mood but everybody knows how easy it is to fall back down again especially with this kind of place we're living in. life's wonderful.

Thank You Lord, for all you've given to me. <3