-_____- I hate everyone. Please please please please go away. Please stop talking to me. I don't want to fall back to where I was. I just want to get over it already.

Slowly putting myself back together and it feels so good to not feel so bad about shit. I really used to give a fuck, but now I give a fuck less. I really shouldn't be surrounded by things that are unnecessary anyway.

Hanging out with my girls majority of this break has really been exactly what I needed. It couldn't have come around at any better time. I really do forget the stress and bullshit that's been happening to me when I'm with them and I can't be anymore thankful.

Sigh.. Thank You Lord.

Thankful for every little single thing that has ever happened to me. To my family that will always be there thru thick & thin, the friends who have ALWAYS kept it real with me, the ride or dies, the good times, waking up to a new day.. seriously like everything even the fckin downfalls I've ever had & the people who have made me feel like sht or brought me down. Without none of that, I wouldn't be as strong of a person that I am today.

....&Even to you, for giving up on me, for leaving me on the back burner, forgetting about me, and ofcourse the good times we had. You really taught me a lot whether you know it or not and with whatever's been going on, it's really been helping me to forget everything and move on even if it's not what I want but I know that it's best that way.

Too too Blessed & Foreverr Grateful. Thank you Lord.

Through the pain, the suffering, the heartbreaks, the confusion, the distance, the crying, the bitchiness, and the bitterness.... I know, I know, in my heart that there is something great coming along my way and if this is what it takes to be completely, genuinely happy again, then so be it. God wouldn't put you to it if he knew you couldn't get through it. I'll be comin out 10x's stronger & better. What doesn't kill you only makes you stronger.

second worst birthday next to the birthday i found out my mom was diagnosed with cancer. i swear i feel like the world has been hating me for the past 2 weeks. this must be karma for being such a bitter ass bitch or some shit. SMH.




still & always grateful to have another birthday though. Thank You Lord.

I WILL HAVE A GOOD DAY TOMORROW DESPITE THE FACT THAT I'VE BEEN HAVING THE SHITTIEST WEEK.





but thank you to the friends who've been making me laugh this past week because i literally forget everything else i'm going thru even if it's not for long.

If you're going through hell, keep going..... This too shall pass

I need to slap a mothafuckin hoe & I think my stress will go away... HAH, I wish it was easy at that.

it's going to be another one of those nights. i'm not happy. i'm not content. i'm not sad. i'm not angry. i literally feel emotionless. cold fuckin world.

I really wish some things did not have to change.

distance.

"I hate that feeling where you feel like you’ll never be happy again. That feeling where you’re not motivated to do anything because you’re so upset. That feeling of waking up remembering all the things you wish to forget the time you went to sleep. I wish I could just fast forward to a time where I’m truly happy - where everything is okay again."

via jessicalovee tumblr. i couldn't have said it any better. as much as i can relate to what she said, i hate knowing my cousin is feeling like this. it makes me feel even worse.

Things can only get better, right? We're both to fucking blame.

List of what i wanna do / want for my birthday! for my own personal use, weee.

- get slizzard!
- sleepover with the girls
- hang out with the tribe
- sushi
- froyo
- m&m pretzels
- essie nail polish
- hello kitty case for my bb
- cute surprise with posits, hehe
- go to the park, lol
- sleepover with my favowites
- hang out with mdlv
- hang out with fave blders
- hang out with my cousin!
- hang out with the 10 heads
- watch toy story 3
- watch love & other drugs
- watch morning glory
- chocolate covered strawberries
- black boots
- black purse
- a really nice letter / note
- a real ass hug
- necklaces / earrings
- a good laugh
- deep conversation
- mr. fav... i mean HAHA totally kidding, half. `;D

hopefully i can accomplish the things i wanna do with people! & i think if someone miraculously treated me to melting pot in hoboken, i think i'd seriously fall in love with them!

I will miss it. I miss it. I miss everything. I miss you.

SIGH. Our paths must cross again, teehee

Wow i feel like a little first grader having a crush like this on someone. teeheeee

Hey boy, I really wanna be with you
Cause you just my type
Ooh na na na na

...... JUST SAYING.

So I'm moving on
Letting go
Holding on to tomorrow
I've always got the memories while I'm finding out who I'm gonna be
We might be apart but I hope you always know
You'll be with me wherever I go



I don't remember the last time I felt so sure.

I AM BLOWING UP YOUR SPOT AS SOON AS I GET MY CHANCE TO. YOU CAN'T BULLSHIT A BULLSHITTER. I ain't even mad but when I came across that shit, I literally said 'EW'. I mean I may be assuming, but I have such a good feeling that I'm right. LOL OH LORD. Niggas these days are just so fuckin dumb it's ridiculous! SIGH. If people only knew how to lie!

i really have stopped expecting things from people especially you. seriously, the best & funniest shit happens when you least expect it.

We will not get fucked over. TRUST. We are way to smart for that.

On the other hand, i feel so tired sitting here in class waiting for class to start :( it's my eyes that feel tired actually, weh! anywho's i'm looking forward to a good weekend even though i'm not completely sure what i'm doing saturday. whatever, go with the flow.

tiredtiredtiredtired. *bbm yawn face

this is some absolutely crazy shit right now and i feel like tonight was the climax of it. seriously, it's all about living your mothafckin life. i really don't know what i'm fckin doing right now with my lunatic ass situation, but maybe that's the whole point of it. i mean if God is putting me through this, there IS a reason behind it all. if he didn't think i could get through it, he wouldn't put me up to it. i kinda feel so overwhelmed just because i feel so sure about things, but i'm pretty sure it won't last cus some btch will have to mess up everything.. *ahem cough, UGH! but whatever cus i already know.... at the end of the day, you know who matters. YEAH. okay. UM. yeah.. i love my life and the people in it and random talks with my ride or die niggas. AY NAKO.

i think it's time to have a boyfriend? no, not yet, God? okay fine .... -_- hahah wtf. i need some dimetapp to knock me out cus i'm going delirious and talkin outta my ass. ay na bata!

Wow.. didn't expect you to repeat those words, but I guess it's just reassurance? I'm still not expecting shit though and I'm definitely still on my I don't care mentality.

It's kinda sad. Really sad. At times I really wish things didn't end up like this & we never did whatever we did... I mean it's kinda like that Can't be friends songs by Trey songz.... kinda sorta.. a bit not really. yeknow? I don't know. I'm sad about it, yet at the same this is what I kinda wanted to happen and this is what I said I wanted to do but when I finally get it.. it blows up in my face. I don't know. I seriously never know. I don't want to "let go" and I certainly don't want to feel as if I'm "giving up". Then again, what's there to "let go" of and "give up" on if there was "nothing" to begin with... or like how can one miss what she's never had?

Sigh! Food for thought?

I really love knowing / seeing my friends happy even when I'm going & feeling like shit.

We live in the same town yet I still feel so distant. Here's to you and you and you and you....