Absolutely looooooving this! No sarcasm either! It really gives me like more of a reason to not want to do anything. I love it, I really do. It's helping me alotalotalot. Loves it. I'm happy. Yesyesyesyes. I feel like I'm becoming free-er? lmao okay, whatever. I'm going to go read and write because this laptop has got me wasting my life away with technology.

Great news! I actually don't even give a care. I'm not even mad. I don't even know if I feel anything towards what I found out. I'm glad I don't give a fuck. I have no reason to give a fuck. & I clearly do not want to give a fuck. Please stop thinking I'm stupid because I know far too much shit than what you think. I think I only get mad at my situation every time you bring it up. Like why do you always wonder? This is my situation. If I want to talk about it, then I'll bring it up. Not the other way around, please. I don't even want to talk to you about it anymore especially when you pulled something like that to me. DAMN. Straight whylin these days. Trust no bitch I'm tellin ya.

Lately I've just been more concentrated on a fucking bet I have with a friend. lmao. I think it's a good way to make my escape from it all too. I just want to win, pretty much. Thing is, I don't even know how long this will take -_- Hopefully soon so it'll be done with and I can go back to however it was like before all of this. Lalalala....

Someday I'll be waking up from a nap with the right person. Right time, right person, right everything. None of that right person, wrong time or vise versa.

-_- fook. ugh. weh. whatever.

4 months?... wowsers

Damn, I feel so betrayed. You already know my situation yet you still insist on pulling some shit like that to me. I don't care if you're joking around cause you already know how i feel about things. Damn, no wonder i have a hard ass time fully trusting people. Trust No Bitch.

I really miss going to the beach at night. I find it so peaceful to just sit there on the sand as I watch the waves crash. Maybe some night I can go there again before it gets too cold. Sigh* I'm just in need of a really good laugh and a nice deep conversation. Those conversations that really get you thinking and open your eyes to things. Ay nako.

Song of the night: Fall for your type - jamie foxx ft. drake.

I need to seriously find / meet new guy friends. Preferably niggas out of Union, please. gotdamn.

I hate this part right here...

I just hope that you miss me a little when I'm gone.

You don't realize what you have or what you had til it's gone and no longer yours. Sad truth, but that's reality for ya. So when I'm gone, don't come running back or come complaining to me because you know what... you had me and you had so many chances, but it's too late for you to realize that, now isn't it? You can't have your fuckin cake and eat it too... I guess people have a hard time realizing that. Stop trying to have best of both worlds because you'll be finding yourself ending up with neither. And if you ever asked me, I already know what I have and I been realized that this was something good until shit happened.... shit always happens.

"It's not called a second chance if you've been given a million of them before."

Everyone (or a lot of fucking people) annoy me. I'm so bitter. I'm so mean. Why are people so fcking annoying and whack. I hate that I get mad at everything. Why is it so hard to find REAL people these days!?

I need a fucking break. I need a vacation. I need to talk to a stranger. I need to vent. I need to cry. I need to catch up with old friends I haven't talked to in a good ass while.

I really miss my girls and being with them. That's the only time I can really forget about everything else that bothers me.

One of the reasons I keep holding on is because every dream I remember deals with you. I can't even count how many times these dreams keep me laying in my bed before I get up wondering why I just had that dream or what is it even trying to tell me.. It's kind of like false hope and I know I shouldn't be using dreams as an excuse. I guess it's because it's like a little getaway from reality. It's a fantasy world I secretly wish would happen in real life. Idk, I really think I'm going crazy. *Sigh -_-

I emotionally / mentally drain myself with this shit... no bueno

There is always something in my life to be happy about. Fuck da bullshit.

Let me know how my saliva tastes though. YEAH, UH HUH, MHM, I WENT THERE.

WHATEVER'S CLEVER.

Niggas do NOT even know. Don't ask, don't tell. Peace.

i do not care and i do not give a fuck mentality until i really do not fcking care and do not give a flying fck.

i kinda don't understand how i can be so positive to others yet consume negative thoughts within myself. ugh. i don't even know if i'm making any kind of sense right now -_-

when the time comes, i'll be a hypocrite for saying "i don't want a dude with baggage" because when all is said and done, i'll be walking away with baggage of my own. sigh. everything's just messy and complicated and confusing and tiring and i really don't know if this is worth it anymore.

i think you are the only person who could actually relate to my situation. secrets secrets secrets. crazy how much we & others don't know..

4/5 months down the road & i would have NEVER expected myself to still be/ be here. actually i never thought this would happen in my life LOL

this girl in my math class complimented me that she thinks i always dress nice. everyone & their mamas know i hate getting compliments but since she was a stranger, i actually said thank you really shyly. thank you girl in my math class. it really made my day because i tend to think compliments from strangers seem to be more sincere at times... yeah i know i'm weird.

WHEN YOU FEEL LIKE GIVING UP, THINK ABOUT THE REASONS WHY YOU HELD ON SO LONG.

At the end of the day we both know who matters.

& til this day i stick to what you said not knowing whether or not it still applies. i'm holding on for the sake of holding on. at the end, i know this is all part of my life experiences.

As much as i love the whole concept of dreams.. that shit gets me so confused. I've been having the oddest dreams with the same people in them and 9 out of 10 times, the SAME exact person is in all of my ferkin(omfg i need to stop saying this) dreams! it's weird but at times i'm not surprised. whatever! i'm just a ball of confusion when it comes to dreams, haha. so ofcourse i go to google to help me out a bit...

Basement
Symbolizes your unconscious mind and intuition. If the basement is clean and neat, you are happy and well-adjusted. If the basement is dark and spooky or messy and dirty, you are unhappy with your life right now. << luckily this basement was clean & neat, lmao.

Bridge
Bridges often signify travel and transitions. Dreaming of a bridge over water suggests that you could be conflicted in your emotions. If the bridge was unstable or collapsing, it could mean problems in a friendship or love relationship. << i was clearly climbing a bridge over water.. well isn't that just lovely... -_-

haha. i've been trying to write down my dreams just so i can look back at them hoping one day everything will just fit together, lol. i'm so odd..

Wow you really couldn't do one little thing for me.... I wonder and question about all the fucking time. Shakin my mothafckin head, dude.

since day one.. my insecurities have gotten the absolute best of me. it's been holding me back from so many things - chances, opportunities. i've realized this a long time ago yet i still have not found a solution for myself. it gets harder and i just try to keep it on the down low. i know i'm so much better than this. i know this isn't me doing all this. i need to really prove to myself that i am not this person. i hate the fact that i do this.. i just take a second to realize it and then ask myself why are you doing this. curiosity killed the cat..... maybe if i stopped being a pussy and bitch out last minute, i would finally find the answers i've been wondering about. i know i'm not going to find it here or there so why do i even bother? i need to go straight to the source. i really need to step my game up and do what i need to fkcin do. i'm tired of watching and wondering from the shadows as i let this all just happen to me, to us, and to whoever. Lord, please give me courage.

i don't get why you don't understand why he whyl's out when you're staying over at her place. i know how old you are but as long as we're still living in this house, we have to fcking listen to his rules. stop bitching, he does mad shit for you. you should be glad he hasn't kicked you out yet for the countless times you pulled this shit on him when he always tells you to just tell him ahead of time and not last minute. damn like what the fuck it pisses me off. your girlfriend is pissing all of us off. she doesn't even make an effort to have a relationship with this family. & you wonder if i like her.... yeah. my point exactly. i don't know if you're fcking whipped but man, you need to open your fcking eyes. this would all be okay if you were stable to live on your own... but obviously fcking not.



UGH -_- Nobody knows how hard it is to have so much pressure on you to finish school & start a career asap. Must. Stay. Focused.

i am starting to seriously seriously seriously not give a fuck. i'm caring less and it feels so much better. i am simply doing me. thank God.

at this moment i am happy and i am going to dilly dally as long as this lasts. i hate feeling like shit. thank you for the beautiful weather. thanks for being a friend to me. you really are a part of what makes me happy. no one will ever understand how we both see it. bcus maybe they simply don't need to. hmph, everything is perfect except that i have a headache :(



i wish some things lasted forever.

Oh hell no this bitch ain't serious! HAHAH I die. I'm going to hell for all of this. Whatever. Live your mothafuckin life.

um i'm gonna go shoot myself in the face now..... totally kidding -_- but i feel like getting hit just to get some kind of reality check. it's too fucking cold and i can't concentrate. i keep procrastinating and i have a paper due by 12AM. call me a fcking saint for setting my pride aside for this time and having a heart to tell you. i'm gonna go starve myself now because i hate myself, hah! i want to take those zumba classes. i want to lose a gazillion pounds. fuck you birth control pills. no, i'm still to blame. i am going to shoot myself if i don't get a response. i had a lovely talk today at panera. i am stuck in a fcking rut. i don't know what to do. i really need to start this paper and get my homework done. i'm tired of always being tired and trying to fall asleep but ending up falling asleep at 3AM. i miss people. i hope nothing changes. i miss having a decent cashflow. i need to go shopping. i need to go run. i want to throw up. i wish my running buddies still lived up the block so i could run with them. this weather needs to go somewhere. i hate the rain. i want the 70s please. i don't what i'm exactly doing for my 18th birthday. i'm craving sushi. i hate boys. i hate girls. i hate not feeling healthy. i wish i could join a gym. i complain too much. i am being a "victim" rather than a "creator". i like my ucc 101 class surprisingly. it's way too fcking cold in my house. Lord, please help me. i hate this. i will get over this. i am sorry for my emo and annoying posts.

on a brighter note. i had a great talk with one of my closest friends. every time i have one these good ol talks, it reminds me how blessed i am to have these people in my life. seriously, i don't know where i'd be in life without my friends. i must stay positive when shit gets tough. live life. stop thinking too much. be happy you're alive. i know you'll never see this but thank you so much. you always know how to put me back in place.

at the end of the day, we both know who matters. i must keep this in mind, always. and realize that you were the one who said this to me.

sigh.

"dis is not my fave diva talking who are you and what have u done to her? spit her back out you crazy wild thing"

i'll let you know or you'll know when i get back on my dee grind. i don't know what's wrong with me anymore and i don't feel like myself. i absolutely hate telling people/friends what's wrong with me because i don't need to put another burden upon their shoulders and making them worry about my own personal situations. maybe i'm a moody ass bitch because i'm getting my period soon but i know i shouldn't be blaming my period. just me. hopefully trying to go MIA from people will help me out.

i will be okay though. trust me.

i'm so sorry but i promise we'll get through this. i just hope you understand when the time comes around. miss ya...






& you & you & you..

another birthday you're not here to celebrate with us. the years, all the birthdays, the holidays, the vacations pass me by and you're not here. you're the only reason why i cry. the only hope that i do have a heart. i miss you so much and nobody knows because every time we go to visit you, i say nothing. absolutely nothing. it's not because i have nothing to say. it's because i can't say it without wanting to bawl. i hate crying in front of my family so i hold back what i want to say. i can't even say hi, bye, i love you, nor i miss you because the thought of me wanting to even say it out loud makes me want to cry. just to even think of you makes me want to cry. you are the only person i ever cry about. but i am grateful to have seen you in my dream last month. even it meant waking up in the middle of the night crying, falling asleep crying next to nile in his room, & waking up having to go to class with puffy ass eyes. it was the last time i saw you so clearly. we talked and told you to help me and the family with everything. sigh i just wish money wasn't a problem but i know life doesn't work that way and we can't have everything the way we want it. i just want you to know i love you and i miss you every single day of my life. i hope you're enjoying yourself and your birthday in heaven with your brother and mama. happy birthday.

& you know what really sucks? after being at the peak of your happiness... you don't gradually start feeling low.. you just straight up hit rock bottom without any slow regression. & now all i do is wonder.. when will i be that happy again.

i'm not saying i'm not happy. it's just... i've been better & now i'm just content. but why be content when i could be so happy?.. yeah.. i've had better days. october, you've really started off bittersweet. please be good to me.

Emotionally Drained. Tired.

Thank you for being another person that will help me recognize the real. I can't stand this shit anymore. I've been so good and in return, I dont' get the same shit. I know, I KNOW I don't deserve what I've been putting myself through. Maybe what I did is right this time and maybe I will finally stop hurting so much. & maybe, just fucking maybe, you will realize what you're losing. I am not the bitch who sits around and mope. Fuck this shit, bro. I am so much better than this.