I'm trying to come around to find the time to write my end of the year 09 letter to myself for this little time capsule i do with my cousins. i've been trying to do it for the past couple of nights but i can't seem to. i think it's cus the whole vibe in my room is a bit off since it's type messy right now. I think i'm gonna go tidy up now cus my creative juices aren't flowing anymore -_-

I don't know what the fuck I would do without my cousin. Even though she lives almost 2 hours away, when we're together, it's as if distance isn't anything. I can literally talk to her about anything and everything and it wouldn't be awkward. I swear she understands me on a whole nother level. Blood is thicker than water<3

(#$&@#)(*! I don't know what to do with myself. I want to go to the highest mountain and scream from the top of my lungs. I want to exert some kind, any kind of damn force just to let whatever i have is holding me back, go. I'm tired of feeling how i'm feeling at the end of the day. I am just so tired of not feeling good enough for anyone or anything. I'm happy then something ends up bringing me down. It's hard to maintain myself nowadays cus I just don't know anything. I am just fucked up in the head.

It'd be nice to talk to someone about anything and everything.. but i just don't know who. No it's not becus i don't trust anyone.. i've got a handful of friends i can turn to anyday but lately, i just feel like no one will understand how i'm feeling or what i'm going through.. Come to think of it, i don't think anyone will ever understand me. No one will ever be able to say to me, "I know exactly how you feel/What you're going through"

No closure... story of my life.

Time to get back to where it starts all over again..

*siiigh

i kinda sorta not really miss... both of you

i'm so tired of everything. peoples jokes aren't as funny anymore and they're just getting dull, played out, & to a certain extent.. annoying. i don't know what has been up with me lately but i'm just so tired of it all. i wish you could feel the way i feel. i wish you could realize all the things i've realized lately. but i know i'm the least likely person to change your perspective on things. the last person you'd think to help you out and better yourself for another. i wish i knew what went on in peoples minds. it's probably just me that thinks about it but it's so frustrating to just wonder. wonder what else is going on, what you're thinking, what you're even doing. i feel like i'm too tired to care anymore. things are different and it just seems as if people don't need me anymore so why bother at all right? right.. no need for wasted time in my life

i feel like everyone i get to know is just bullshitting me. i don't like believing people & it gets mad frustrating. i don't like getting too attached to someone cus i know they're not gonna be there forever. i'm so tired of being in the same situations with different people.

i need car insurance already so i can drive around just to think.

sometimes i hate staying at home cus this is the place where all my thoughts just seem to gather & i end up feeling like that. i think of every little thing that's going on in my life, i start over analyzing my situations, and everything just builds up only to sit as heavy weight and burdens on my shoulders. i'm goin out cus i don't feel like dealing with this.

can't complain with what i've got. i'm satisfied. i'm gonna look back and smile at this because it happened. no regrets baby, no regrets.

i can't help but feel empty. cold-hearted. bitter. when it comes to dealing with what i'm dealing with. i've come to conclusion that i have figured everything out. i connected all the pieces & guess what, they fit.. they all fit perfectly together. the smallest pieces fit into the bigger picture. i've grown to have this giant wall, my guard has always been up. i'll admit, i have been that girl to eat up the words someone said to me at one point but you know what.. i'm not that girl anymore. half the time i don't even believe the shit someone is telling me anymore just because i don't want to be that girl that fell for someones bullshit.

i want someone to break down that wall. i want to see if someone will go that extra mile, that extra stretch to know more about me. i just want to be proven to. someone worth it. someone worth taking chances for. someone i know i won't regret taking all these chances. but you know what.. how will that ever happen if i'm too scared to let someone get too close. i try to pick out the things i dont like in a person just so i have a reason not to get too attached. sometimes i hate that i've grown to be a person that does such things because maybe i'm missing out. maybe i'm the one who is oblivious to what is right in front of me.

but i know i'm going to have people in my life that will stick around forever, the ones i can run to with a doubt and then the people who will be with me for right now only to get up and leave me sooner or later. but hey, i won't regret having these poeple in my life because i know i'm experiencing life with them for a reason. someway, somehow there was some kind of impact and influence you put in my life so why regret what makes who you are today.. the people you've met throughout life have helped you pave the path of your journey whether you think about it or not.

there are things you can have the best of both worlds of but there are also certain things you will have to choose between this or that.. you can't always have your piece of cake and eat it too. i don't know what you're trying to do or who you're trying to mess with but i hope you just play your game right and that in the end you aren't regretting what you're doing. i hope you even know what you're doing it cus you can't go through life winging everything and hoping that everything will go your way. i find myself to only be sticking around because things are unpredictable. i don't know what the next thing will be and i don't know what i'll be finding out next but it's kinda interesting. i've approached this situation so much more differently than the others.

if the weather fucks up.. i'm going to shoot somebody

i tend to waste time on people/things that don't really matter. but you know what, i'm only human.. i feel as if i can't even do nothing about it.

kinda like keeping a secret when you just look at each other and giggle cus only you two know what you're laughing about.

anyway, woke up early & i'm about to conquer cleaning as much as i can before i have to get ready for shepherd training which is in about... 2 hours, haha. tonight will be a good night. it just has to be, hahaha. shit is going down, oh gahd.

had 'pillow talk' with one of my girls yesterday and i swear we could go on and on about things. whether it's about boys to what the hell is really goin on in our heads to sex, lol. it's always fun having pillow talk cus i get to learn more about who they are and even sometimes who i am myself.

alright i need to get to cleaning lol

i just want to crawl into a dark corner, hide my face, hide myself, hide from the world. why is that we are always getting hurt by the ones we love most.. ironic isn't it? i just don't get it. there are days i just feel like never coming out of my bed, coming out of my room, just to hide under the blanket and sleep away the pain.

i think some people don't seriously realize what the hell is coming out their mouth. like seriously, let what ever you're about to say run through your fckin mind before you let it come out your mouth and say something stupid to hurt somebody. like damn what the fuck. btw, that wasn't funny.

whatever i don't know where i'm going with this. just a random rant. i'm annoyed. you're annoying at times. everyone is annoying at times. whatever.

i'll get over it within the hour.

i don't know what to do. never know what to say. i'm always finding myself thinking of my next move, the next thing i'm gonna say. but i'm just livin in the moment don't know where i'm headed with this. like i always say.. i'm taking it as it goes, one step at a time, going with the flow of things. i know what i'm going through but i can't help to think. i'm tired and confused with no reason to back myself up with. i'm trying something new and i know i'm getting something out of all this. for right now, i'm having fun and i'm not gonna worry about where this is going in the future.

Just wanted to post this somewhere because I know I felt like i've been this girl before & every girl out there, will one point in their life, feel like "the meantime girl".

The Meantime Girl (via simounj tumblr)

She’s the one you call when you’re bored because she makes you laugh. She’s the one you talk to when you’re feeling down because she’s willing to lend an ear and be a friend. She’s not the one you call when you need a date to your company’s Christmas party, or to go dancing with on a Saturday night. She’s the one you spend time with between girlfriends, before you find “The One.” You know, the one you keep in the MEANTIME.

She’s not one of the guys, not a tomboy, but you don’t look at her as a “real” woman, either. She’s not slutty enough, moody enough, or sexy enough to be seen in the light. She’s too laid-back, too easily amused by the same things your male buddies are amused by. She’s too understanding, too comfortable. Doesn’t make you feel nervous or excited the way a “real” woman does. But she’s cool, nice and funny, and attractive enough that when you’re lonely and need intimate female companionship, she’ll do just fine.

You don’t have to wine and dine her because she knows the real you already, and you don’t have any facades to keep up, no pretense to preserve. You’re not trying to get anything of substance out of her. She’s not easy, but you know that she cares about you and is attracted to you. And you know that you don’t have to explain yourself or the situation, that she’ll be able to cope with the fact that this isn’t the beginning of a relationship or that there’s any possiblity that you have any real romantic feelings for her.

It won’t bother her that you’ll get up in the morning, put on your pants, say goodbye, and go on a date with the woman you’ve been mooning over for weeks who finally agreed to go out with you. She’ll settle for a goodbye hug and a promise to call her and tell her how the date went. She’s just so cool.. why can’t all women be like that?!

But deep down, if you really think about it (which you probably don’t.. because to you, the situation between the two of you isn’t important enough to merit any real thought) you know that it’s really not fair.

You know that although she would never say it, it hurts her to know that despite all her good points and all the fun you two have, you don’t think she’s good enough to spend any real time with. Sure, it’s mostly her fault, because she doesn’t have to give in to your needs - she could really play the hard-to-get [expletive] like the rest of them do, if she really wanted to. But you and she both know that she probably couldn’t pull it off. Maybe she’s too short, or a little overweight, or has big birthmark on her forehead, or works at Taco Bell, or just really not that type.

Whatever the reason, somehow life has given her a lot of really great qualities but has left out the ones that men want (or think they want) in a woman. So she remains forever the funny friend, the steadfast companion, the secret lover, and you go on searching for your goddess who will somehow be everything you ever wanted in a woman.

You’ll joke to her that she should be the best man at your wedding, and she’ll laugh and make a joke about a smelly rental tux.

She doesn’t captivate you with her beauty, or open doors with her smile.

Mainly, she blends in with the crowd. She’s safe. She doesn’t want to be the center of attention and turn the heads of everyone in the room. But she wants to turn someone’s head. She wants to be SPECIAL to someone, too. We all do.

She has feelings. She has heart. In fact, she probably has a bigger heart than any woman you’ve ever known because she’s had a front-row seat to The Mess That Is Your Life, and she likes you anyway.

She obviously sees something worthwhile and redeeming in you because although you’ve given her nothing, absolutely no reason to still be around, she is.

i can't believe i'm home on a saturday night.. the weekend of my birthday -_- the arguments i had this whole day are the exact reasons that make me want to dorm for college. i want to get away from here. i get so tired of stupid arguments. we're yelling from the top of our lungs and i could just feel my dad's blood pressure rising. in that moment i know i'm fckin heated as hell and will yell back but when i'm back in my room, i feel bad and guilty for being such a burden on him. he isn't living an easy life and he's constantly worrying about things, even when i know he tries to hide it. but sometimes i really just cannot take being here. i want out and i want to live on my own. i don't want to get into unnecessary, petty arguments. i'm tired of yelling, talking under my breath, and then feeling bad for it.

i want to prove to him that i'm going to succeed.. i'm tired of him telling me what other people are telling me to do. let me live my own fcking life. it's enough that i'm already going to college for something that isn't my first choice, so please don't make my choices of which college to go to. please don't tell me to take this damn 15 month shit.. i will not fcking have a damn college experience going through that shit. i know that sounds selfish but c'mon now.. it's still my life. you can't run every damn thing. i'm so tired of this. i'm tired of feeling like a disappointment and having all this pressure put on me. is it my fault my brothers didn't follow through with what they said they were originally going to do? hell fucking no. i am seriously just so tired of all of this.

don't fuckin doubt me. don't underestimate my abilities. i'll prove you wrong.

i don't think i will ever feel comfortable in my own skin. i don't think i will ever be satisfied with my whole self. i don't think i will ever be able to look into a mirror and be fully satisfied or pleased with what i see. no matter how many times someone will compliment me on how i look, i won't whole heartedly accept or believe it. i will always just contradict myself and pick out all my flaws one at a time. i will always have that doubtful conscience in the back of my mind thinking a person is just lying when they find something nice to say. i will always be the "debbie downer" in my group of friends and deny the things they say to me. i am so full of insecurities that it slowly tears me apart every single day. being surrounded by pretty faced, nice body friends doesn't help either. i will never stop comparing myself to other girls and think to myself damn, she's so pretty/ lucky to be skinny. i don't see myself how other people see me. i see myself so much more worse. i don't know why i see myself like this, but i just do, and have been for the majority of my life. i hate seeing/hearing other girls saying how fat/ugly they are when they are so pretty, gorgeous and far from being 'fat'.

what's weird is that i feel guilty for feeling like this. but hopefully one day i will be somewhat satisfied and happy with myself.

i don't fuck with that shit no more.

i get mad over the stupidest shit!

i don't know why but i don't even like you, no feelings whatsoever, not even a bit, and i'm saying all this shit.

i'm a person that is all about expression over impression. i'm not here trying to impress anybody.. i'm just doing me. but when it comes to you, i'm a hypocrite. never did i ever want to admit this but sometimes i do go out of my own way to impress you and i hate myself for it. i'm goin back to my fuck that, idgaf mentality. when i know i don't have to go out of my way for you, then i'll be happy to talk to you.

i can't write this on tumblr because people will be quick to assume shit & i feel like i can't even vent out completely anymore. i never know who to talk to anymore because i seriously feel like no one will ever understand what i'm going through or have the right things to say to me. i've asked a real good guy friend of mine for advice plenty of times yet i still feel helpless.. like something is just not clicking in my head. i want to talk to someone who knows exactly what i'm going through or how i'm feeling in my situation. sometimes i feel like that person is right there in the crowd but i can't seem to pick them out.

but seriously.. who am i to you? i know it has only been recently that we've been getting all cool and shit but i feel like we have this damn good connection. other than my bestfriend and a couple of my other good friends, i've never had someone to talk to about the same common interests we both may share. i guess it's just weird to me because it's my first time experiencing that. not many times does a person come across another being who shares a lot of similar common interests as you do and you guys just seem to.. click automatically.. i guess you can say. i'm scared to, and i really wish i could, admit that you are different from others but i can't cus i want you to prove it to me. i'm somebody who wants my assumptions about someone to be proven wrong. i want you to prove to me you are not like the rest and that you are definitely different.

and i dont want to be that last girl you resort to because you're bored. or because those bitchz you're tryna bag aren't giving you the kinda love you want. i'm not tryna be left on the 'backburner' in the end. i'm strictly friend status unless otherwise.. but i doubt that's going to happen because knowing myself, i'm stubborn and never let sht happen. i'm too busy trying to make you and other people happy before myself even though i know you're supposed to put your own happiness before others but i just can't seem to. i'm tired of always listening to you. i don't even know why i listen to you when you tend to tell me things. & when i tend to come off as a bitch towards you, it's just me trying not to look like 'the bitch' in a friendship or whatever you want to call it.

and i don't even understand why i feel like this one is different from the rest. maybe it's cus i feel as if i don't have to put as much effort into starting up a conversation. yet i am still scared. i'm scared of what i'm getting myself into. what i already got myself into. i know that when i'm sucked into something, i'm really sucked in deep and i'm just going deeper and deeper. creating a much bigger hole, making it just even more difficult than it already is for me to escape.

all i know .. i'm just really taking whatever comes by me. i'm not gonna make the same mistakes i did last time.. well atleast i hope i don't

i miss you, wah!

i don't get anything anymore.

why am i talking to you. hahaha

i wish you were just a phone call away

something i can always smile looking back at..

random

1. You were right..
2. I miss you.
3. Ouch, man.
4. I wish you lived closer.
5. It's a hairflip.
6. I miss us.

thaaaat was fun while it lasted! off to bigger and better things. done zip finito over. holllllller



PS suck ittttttt<3

I'm done & i'm pretty sure as hell it's forreal legit this time... hopefully -_-

wtf, i feel like crying.

i roll my eyes & say ugh under my breath everytime.. -_-

becus i'm in such a bittersweet mood right now, i'm just going to rant away my thoughts.. but thank God one of my looovelies<3 is keeping me sane/cracking up with our "randommm but.." conversation.

so i kinda hate when people take forever to respond to texts when you definitely know they are not doing anything at 4:00 in the morning & they most definitely were mad quick to text you back at the beginning of your text-conversation! i wish had the guts to hate you becus you give me so many reasons to but deep down in my cold, bitter heart of mine, i 've still got something left. i'm so tired of wondering and being so confused of what i'm going through. i don't want to be friends with someone who i know i'd just be another person you were close to & a person of your past. i don't want to be just another piece in a niggas game. i'm sick and tired of being sick and tired! i hate hate hate not feeling good enough for the damn world. i'm tired of constantly setting myself up for disappointments after disappointments. i seem to want to end everything before it's meant to even be ended at all. things already seem so different and i'm not sure if i made the right choice, even though it's such a small, teeeny weeeny, insignificant change i did. it's as if i'm the only one being left in the dust. i'm so patiently impatient, if that makes any kind of sense. this really sucks.

i'm craving sushi, wtf. END rant. i'm tiyud now. g'night & toodlez!

news flash: you do not know everything so stop acting like you do..






So PS: STFU, k thanks.

I should have recorded our conversation so I could clearly remember what you said -_-

i'm getting bored, wahhh

i still don't understand how i put up with you.

i hate your shit nigga. allll fun & games till somebody gets hurt and i am hoping it will be you >]

always give them time to miss you.

who would've thought that 4 months down the road we'd end up like this.

cwaaaaazyy<3

i'm having so much fun playing around. yay!

damn, i wish i wasn't so fucking boring.

this does not make sense. done till i get a sign or some sht. i'm so tired of waiting.

<33 i guessss

us against the world. don't even play cus i could see right through you. secrets & lies. gross

absolutely ridiculous. this can't be normal

ugh

please please pleaase, there has to be some kind of heart left inside of you. can you please give me back my camera & i promise none of my friends will beat you up if you kindly give it back =( this is a motherfucking nightmare, i swear.

disappointments & disappointments.. how disappointing

one of the few people that i actually like talking on the phone with even though its been forever. congratulations. imyyy

i was leaning towards some advice, not a step by step way to tell me what to fucking do in my own situation. k thanks.

...

I hope you realize how different things between us are


-_- sigh

girl let your hair down

i'd be lying if i said i was completely done with you because i'm not so sure myself but i'm pretty sure that i'm going to stick around just cus i know it's for the best & i'm through with playing this silly sht cus it ended up not how i wanted it to be. we've never even been sailing the same ship, so what's the point.



tuffflove.tumblr.com, yeahHh, i fell into the bandwagon. lol

someday, oneday

I'm going to write a book.. I'm going to mention all these people in my life, how much of an impact, influence, or inspiration they have had on me. They say authors write out of some kind of experience. I have a vignette/book project thang for English due when we get back from break. I'm pretty excited to work on it.



P.S IloveCorinneBaileyRae!! haha

doesn't cost a thing to smile.

there has just been too much on my mind these past months that i can't even seem to write. i miss writing everyday ;[ i miss old friends. i miss past friendships. i miss our late night talks. i've said the same things to myself about you over & over again.. and it still seems as if nothing has changed. i'd tell myself that i'm done but i know in the back of my head i'm still thinking about the situation. i don't know what i'm saying but whateva's cleva! i'm still happy tho

more to life

[via icanread.tumblr]

there are just too many things in my life to be happy about <3

somehow..

i am to believe that it must be makeup/ confusion season, yes? yes..


it can't be breakup season just yet..

thanks tupac

“ You can spend minutes, hours, days, weeks, or even months over-analyzing a situation; trying to put the pieces together, justifying what could’ve, would’ve happened—or you can just leave the pieces on the floor and move the fuck on. ” - Tupac


maybe you could tell me how can one miss what she's never had.

3710

when you miss a goodnight, that's when you know. be done with it already. tell yourself to get over it. the whole heavy hearted feeling isn't fun, never was, never will be. better leave before you get left & you wouldn't want to feel like the worthless girl who was just another piece trying to fit in a niggas game. stop playing each others game because it's not as fun anymore. both had your fun & it's time to move on to the real deal. big & better. sometimes i wish i could hate you.

"some of life's best lessons are learned at the worst times." - ani difranco

nothing more, nothing less..

my negggga c mothafkcin' francisco! now realllllly, who the fkc would've thought you'd be the one to help me set closure to this silly situation i am in. even though you will never see this, thanks a millli for helping me out. things seriously do happen for a reason and i can seriously never stop telling myself that. i'm really thankful that i got the chance to catch up with him even if it was just for 10/15 minutes cos it helped me realize what i've been trying/wanting to realize for a while now. i've been so confused & complained over and over again to myself bcos i really don't know how to deal with my situation. God has such funny ways of sending us signs & help. <3


forNevers! about you now - miranda cosgrove is playing.. hahah. anywho's, i told myself from the get go that i could never let it happen. sometimes when you've built and created a new relationship with someone, you gotta let it reach its peak & no matter how much you'd want it to move on to the next level.. you can only leave it there. nothing more, nothing less. just gotta leave it that.. & unfortunately i guess it'll hurt.

everybody knows - john legend <3

i tell myself everyday that everything happens for a reason & that there's a reason behind every single thing that happens.. - deaths, gained friendships, rekindled friendships, drifting away from people, the boy you're talking to now, why a relationship ended, why these people came into your life now and not before, why people left and never came back, wanted change, inevitable change, why we're hurting, why we're crying, why we feel this way, how it's him, why we don't tell certain people, why we're not good at certain things.. so on & so forth. but i guess the obvious question is why it happens.. or why is it these people. i don't know.. maybe we'll never know. it's almost 2AM & i'm sitting here still on my laptop thinking about all this nonsense. i've gotten to gain friendships with people i least expected to. "expect the unexpected" .. yeah true story. things happen & we don't know why.. but there has to be an explanation somewhere out there. right? maybeeee

so i went to barnes & nobles today (technically yesterday) and picked out that Living, Loving, & Learning book i've been wanting to scoop up. i didn't end up buying it but i still skimmed through it before i put it back.. i left a secret on a piece of paper in it too. what a relief to write that down, even if it wasn't anything major at all. i hope someone finds it, that'd be cool. haha. everytime i go to b&n i'm gonna leave tiny notes like that in a book. maybe someone could relate to it. wow, why the hell am i still up.

i guess i don't seem to know how to stop myself from getting into things. & when i think i am, i crawl right back.. to you.. probably cos i know you're always going to be there. val's right.. we do tend to always fall for the assholes. i wonder when this will all fall out. i need to stop sleeping at this time. toodlezz

goodbye to you - michelle branch

i'm so fucking dumb. i can't believe i have placed myself in this situation like seriouslyyyyy. it makes me want to punch your freaking face even more. but seriously.. who asks someone that & expects for someone to not think there is no meaning behind it! omg i really feel like i hate you but i know i don't have the guts to. you make me want to cry but i've been such a fkcing rock lately that i can't even shed a tear. i never even think before i say shit either. i am so dumb =(

.. love to hate ya & hate to love ya. i really wish i could get on with the fkcing get go & leave you behind.

nothing lasts forever - maroon 5

true story. officially deaddd, i could feel it. expect the unexpected. i could pretend none of this happened, maybe.. or maybe in a week it'll change. maybe shmaybe. boys have cooties. chocolate covered strawberry's and cream puffs<33. i could list all the so many things i find wrong about you and just a few for what i do like.. & the what i like about you side still beats your neggy's. you suck & make me mad!

now who would've thought

life's feelin like a million bucks & bags of gold. happy february! the weather has been putting me in the most bangin-est moods ever. + good talks with people you'd least expect to have one with makes me happy too..


& i realized this isn't gonna be a repeat of 06, so congrats to me cos that'd be a huge waste of time. i'm just gonna go with the flow & not take any bs. holla.

<333333333 one step at a fkcin time. we changin lives babyy

=)

the one reason i like this time of year is cos of YLSS. i'm in such a good mood, yeeboy.

warwick avenue - duffy

i really think too much. my head might just blow up one of these days, lol just kidding. anywho's i miss you, actually i miss ALOT of people. ugh! i feel like i live in a nutshell sometimes. i mean it's not bad at all to have alone time but i'm just saying.. lol. i kinda hate saying the same thing when i'm catching up with a good friend.. "oh nothing really. same old stuff, nothing really happening" hahah. how sad. or maybe sht is happening to me but i just don't realize it. ughghg. movingggg on.. i finished catcher in the rye.. i really like that book especially the last page. i wanna re-read it again cos i read it so chopped up since we had assignments for english class. i wish i could drive already tho cos i just wanna go drive to barnes & noble and waste my life away there reading good ass books, lol. i'm so proud of myself that i've been reading so muchhh! i used to never pick up a book, just magazines & sht. speaking of books, i really hate when someone in my class is just that dumb and doesn't interpret a friggen question right. like seriously, i really think some of these people don't ever get alone time for themselves to just think about life. i think everyone should have that once in a while cos it can really help you realize so much more. my english teacher has like the best topics to have discussions about but some of these people just kill the mood with their dumb comments. i think me and english teacher would have the best conversations. she's like the sht when it comes to that stuff, hahah. okay this is getting to long and pretty pointless. tooodlez!


PS i swear this is like a repeat of 06, ewwwwwwwwwww shoot me now!!