I'm trying to come around to find the time to write my end of the year 09 letter to myself for this little time capsule i do with my cousins. i've been trying to do it for the past couple of nights but i can't seem to. i think it's cus the whole vibe in my room is a bit off since it's type messy right now. I think i'm gonna go tidy up now cus my creative juices aren't flowing anymore -_-

I don't know what the fuck I would do without my cousin. Even though she lives almost 2 hours away, when we're together, it's as if distance isn't anything. I can literally talk to her about anything and everything and it wouldn't be awkward. I swear she understands me on a whole nother level. Blood is thicker than water<3

(#$&@#)(*! I don't know what to do with myself. I want to go to the highest mountain and scream from the top of my lungs. I want to exert some kind, any kind of damn force just to let whatever i have is holding me back, go. I'm tired of feeling how i'm feeling at the end of the day. I am just so tired of not feeling good enough for anyone or anything. I'm happy then something ends up bringing me down. It's hard to maintain myself nowadays cus I just don't know anything. I am just fucked up in the head.

It'd be nice to talk to someone about anything and everything.. but i just don't know who. No it's not becus i don't trust anyone.. i've got a handful of friends i can turn to anyday but lately, i just feel like no one will understand how i'm feeling or what i'm going through.. Come to think of it, i don't think anyone will ever understand me. No one will ever be able to say to me, "I know exactly how you feel/What you're going through"

No closure... story of my life.

Time to get back to where it starts all over again..

*siiigh

i kinda sorta not really miss... both of you

i'm so tired of everything. peoples jokes aren't as funny anymore and they're just getting dull, played out, & to a certain extent.. annoying. i don't know what has been up with me lately but i'm just so tired of it all. i wish you could feel the way i feel. i wish you could realize all the things i've realized lately. but i know i'm the least likely person to change your perspective on things. the last person you'd think to help you out and better yourself for another. i wish i knew what went on in peoples minds. it's probably just me that thinks about it but it's so frustrating to just wonder. wonder what else is going on, what you're thinking, what you're even doing. i feel like i'm too tired to care anymore. things are different and it just seems as if people don't need me anymore so why bother at all right? right.. no need for wasted time in my life

i feel like everyone i get to know is just bullshitting me. i don't like believing people & it gets mad frustrating. i don't like getting too attached to someone cus i know they're not gonna be there forever. i'm so tired of being in the same situations with different people.

i need car insurance already so i can drive around just to think.

sometimes i hate staying at home cus this is the place where all my thoughts just seem to gather & i end up feeling like that. i think of every little thing that's going on in my life, i start over analyzing my situations, and everything just builds up only to sit as heavy weight and burdens on my shoulders. i'm goin out cus i don't feel like dealing with this.

can't complain with what i've got. i'm satisfied. i'm gonna look back and smile at this because it happened. no regrets baby, no regrets.

i can't help but feel empty. cold-hearted. bitter. when it comes to dealing with what i'm dealing with. i've come to conclusion that i have figured everything out. i connected all the pieces & guess what, they fit.. they all fit perfectly together. the smallest pieces fit into the bigger picture. i've grown to have this giant wall, my guard has always been up. i'll admit, i have been that girl to eat up the words someone said to me at one point but you know what.. i'm not that girl anymore. half the time i don't even believe the shit someone is telling me anymore just because i don't want to be that girl that fell for someones bullshit.

i want someone to break down that wall. i want to see if someone will go that extra mile, that extra stretch to know more about me. i just want to be proven to. someone worth it. someone worth taking chances for. someone i know i won't regret taking all these chances. but you know what.. how will that ever happen if i'm too scared to let someone get too close. i try to pick out the things i dont like in a person just so i have a reason not to get too attached. sometimes i hate that i've grown to be a person that does such things because maybe i'm missing out. maybe i'm the one who is oblivious to what is right in front of me.

but i know i'm going to have people in my life that will stick around forever, the ones i can run to with a doubt and then the people who will be with me for right now only to get up and leave me sooner or later. but hey, i won't regret having these poeple in my life because i know i'm experiencing life with them for a reason. someway, somehow there was some kind of impact and influence you put in my life so why regret what makes who you are today.. the people you've met throughout life have helped you pave the path of your journey whether you think about it or not.

there are things you can have the best of both worlds of but there are also certain things you will have to choose between this or that.. you can't always have your piece of cake and eat it too. i don't know what you're trying to do or who you're trying to mess with but i hope you just play your game right and that in the end you aren't regretting what you're doing. i hope you even know what you're doing it cus you can't go through life winging everything and hoping that everything will go your way. i find myself to only be sticking around because things are unpredictable. i don't know what the next thing will be and i don't know what i'll be finding out next but it's kinda interesting. i've approached this situation so much more differently than the others.

if the weather fucks up.. i'm going to shoot somebody

i tend to waste time on people/things that don't really matter. but you know what, i'm only human.. i feel as if i can't even do nothing about it.

kinda like keeping a secret when you just look at each other and giggle cus only you two know what you're laughing about.

anyway, woke up early & i'm about to conquer cleaning as much as i can before i have to get ready for shepherd training which is in about... 2 hours, haha. tonight will be a good night. it just has to be, hahaha. shit is going down, oh gahd.

had 'pillow talk' with one of my girls yesterday and i swear we could go on and on about things. whether it's about boys to what the hell is really goin on in our heads to sex, lol. it's always fun having pillow talk cus i get to learn more about who they are and even sometimes who i am myself.

alright i need to get to cleaning lol

i just want to crawl into a dark corner, hide my face, hide myself, hide from the world. why is that we are always getting hurt by the ones we love most.. ironic isn't it? i just don't get it. there are days i just feel like never coming out of my bed, coming out of my room, just to hide under the blanket and sleep away the pain.

i think some people don't seriously realize what the hell is coming out their mouth. like seriously, let what ever you're about to say run through your fckin mind before you let it come out your mouth and say something stupid to hurt somebody. like damn what the fuck. btw, that wasn't funny.

whatever i don't know where i'm going with this. just a random rant. i'm annoyed. you're annoying at times. everyone is annoying at times. whatever.

i'll get over it within the hour.

i don't know what to do. never know what to say. i'm always finding myself thinking of my next move, the next thing i'm gonna say. but i'm just livin in the moment don't know where i'm headed with this. like i always say.. i'm taking it as it goes, one step at a time, going with the flow of things. i know what i'm going through but i can't help to think. i'm tired and confused with no reason to back myself up with. i'm trying something new and i know i'm getting something out of all this. for right now, i'm having fun and i'm not gonna worry about where this is going in the future.