Monday, November 30, 2009

Just wanted to post this somewhere because I know I felt like i've been this girl before & every girl out there, will one point in their life, feel like "the meantime girl".

The Meantime Girl (via simounj tumblr)

She’s the one you call when you’re bored because she makes you laugh. She’s the one you talk to when you’re feeling down because she’s willing to lend an ear and be a friend. She’s not the one you call when you need a date to your company’s Christmas party, or to go dancing with on a Saturday night. She’s the one you spend time with between girlfriends, before you find “The One.” You know, the one you keep in the MEANTIME.

She’s not one of the guys, not a tomboy, but you don’t look at her as a “real” woman, either. She’s not slutty enough, moody enough, or sexy enough to be seen in the light. She’s too laid-back, too easily amused by the same things your male buddies are amused by. She’s too understanding, too comfortable. Doesn’t make you feel nervous or excited the way a “real” woman does. But she’s cool, nice and funny, and attractive enough that when you’re lonely and need intimate female companionship, she’ll do just fine.

You don’t have to wine and dine her because she knows the real you already, and you don’t have any facades to keep up, no pretense to preserve. You’re not trying to get anything of substance out of her. She’s not easy, but you know that she cares about you and is attracted to you. And you know that you don’t have to explain yourself or the situation, that she’ll be able to cope with the fact that this isn’t the beginning of a relationship or that there’s any possiblity that you have any real romantic feelings for her.

It won’t bother her that you’ll get up in the morning, put on your pants, say goodbye, and go on a date with the woman you’ve been mooning over for weeks who finally agreed to go out with you. She’ll settle for a goodbye hug and a promise to call her and tell her how the date went. She’s just so cool.. why can’t all women be like that?!

But deep down, if you really think about it (which you probably don’t.. because to you, the situation between the two of you isn’t important enough to merit any real thought) you know that it’s really not fair.

You know that although she would never say it, it hurts her to know that despite all her good points and all the fun you two have, you don’t think she’s good enough to spend any real time with. Sure, it’s mostly her fault, because she doesn’t have to give in to your needs - she could really play the hard-to-get [expletive] like the rest of them do, if she really wanted to. But you and she both know that she probably couldn’t pull it off. Maybe she’s too short, or a little overweight, or has big birthmark on her forehead, or works at Taco Bell, or just really not that type.

Whatever the reason, somehow life has given her a lot of really great qualities but has left out the ones that men want (or think they want) in a woman. So she remains forever the funny friend, the steadfast companion, the secret lover, and you go on searching for your goddess who will somehow be everything you ever wanted in a woman.

You’ll joke to her that she should be the best man at your wedding, and she’ll laugh and make a joke about a smelly rental tux.

She doesn’t captivate you with her beauty, or open doors with her smile.

Mainly, she blends in with the crowd. She’s safe. She doesn’t want to be the center of attention and turn the heads of everyone in the room. But she wants to turn someone’s head. She wants to be SPECIAL to someone, too. We all do.

She has feelings. She has heart. In fact, she probably has a bigger heart than any woman you’ve ever known because she’s had a front-row seat to The Mess That Is Your Life, and she likes you anyway.

She obviously sees something worthwhile and redeeming in you because although you’ve given her nothing, absolutely no reason to still be around, she is.

Saturday, November 21, 2009

i can't believe i'm home on a saturday night.. the weekend of my birthday -_- the arguments i had this whole day are the exact reasons that make me want to dorm for college. i want to get away from here. i get so tired of stupid arguments. we're yelling from the top of our lungs and i could just feel my dad's blood pressure rising. in that moment i know i'm fckin heated as hell and will yell back but when i'm back in my room, i feel bad and guilty for being such a burden on him. he isn't living an easy life and he's constantly worrying about things, even when i know he tries to hide it. but sometimes i really just cannot take being here. i want out and i want to live on my own. i don't want to get into unnecessary, petty arguments. i'm tired of yelling, talking under my breath, and then feeling bad for it.

i want to prove to him that i'm going to succeed.. i'm tired of him telling me what other people are telling me to do. let me live my own fcking life. it's enough that i'm already going to college for something that isn't my first choice, so please don't make my choices of which college to go to. please don't tell me to take this damn 15 month shit.. i will not fcking have a damn college experience going through that shit. i know that sounds selfish but c'mon now.. it's still my life. you can't run every damn thing. i'm so tired of this. i'm tired of feeling like a disappointment and having all this pressure put on me. is it my fault my brothers didn't follow through with what they said they were originally going to do? hell fucking no. i am seriously just so tired of all of this.

don't fuckin doubt me. don't underestimate my abilities. i'll prove you wrong.

Tuesday, November 17, 2009

i don't think i will ever feel comfortable in my own skin. i don't think i will ever be satisfied with my whole self. i don't think i will ever be able to look into a mirror and be fully satisfied or pleased with what i see. no matter how many times someone will compliment me on how i look, i won't whole heartedly accept or believe it. i will always just contradict myself and pick out all my flaws one at a time. i will always have that doubtful conscience in the back of my mind thinking a person is just lying when they find something nice to say. i will always be the "debbie downer" in my group of friends and deny the things they say to me. i am so full of insecurities that it slowly tears me apart every single day. being surrounded by pretty faced, nice body friends doesn't help either. i will never stop comparing myself to other girls and think to myself damn, she's so pretty/ lucky to be skinny. i don't see myself how other people see me. i see myself so much more worse. i don't know why i see myself like this, but i just do, and have been for the majority of my life. i hate seeing/hearing other girls saying how fat/ugly they are when they are so pretty, gorgeous and far from being 'fat'.

what's weird is that i feel guilty for feeling like this. but hopefully one day i will be somewhat satisfied and happy with myself.

Sunday, November 15, 2009

i don't fuck with that shit no more.

Friday, November 13, 2009

i get mad over the stupidest shit!