i know, i know. good things come to those who wait. and i know it's all about the 'expect the unexpected, it'll happen, it's just not my time yet, patience, my time will come eventually, i'm just not ready yet'.. blahblahblah i've heard it all. but seriously, how long can a girl wait! i think it's so sad that i legit have not liked someone in so long.. since freshman year?!4 years ago.. yeup that seems pretty a while back to me, lol.. and no i am not confused about my sexuality or some shit like that and no i am not still hung up on my ex cus that shit was so long ago that i like to laugh thinking about it. & idk but maybe it's true but one of my girls just said i'm picky. i just don't know anymore! i think my problem is that once i start getting to know someone, i pick out their flaws so i can find something to not like about them because i don't like getting attached nor do i like falling in too deep into a situation -_- i'm complicated and i think i am just meant to be single forever. oh Lord, please help me. i'm just really talking out of my ass right now and lately i've been on some other sht feeling some kind of way about God knows what, so please excuse my nonsense rants and complaints about anything and everything. & yes i know i don't need one but i know it's fun to have someone around. i've been seeing around tumblr how people miss that whole 'pillow talking/talking talking' phase. duh, it's because we all know that the chase is better than the catch and getting to know someone is the funnest part. 'pillow talkin' yes, cus i miss that cute shit. that whole excited feeling when he texts you, smiling out of nowhere cus you're happy with how things are going, falling alseep on the phone with him, holding hands, etcetc & all the other cute sht that comes along in between. i'm a hopeless romantic and what. idgaf! but as for that.. i know the whole "you cant love someone else without loving yourself first" deal comes to play. i have the lowest esteem for myself and with that.. how do you give love if you don't have any to give? okay yes i do love God, my family & friends but that's a given. how can i not love them! but yes, as i said, i am far more complicated and i believe that no dude can put up with me. lmfao, i'm so pathetic... i'll laugh looking back at this post one day. haha

it's 5 days into 2010 but I just came around to think about how you were probably one of the most memorable things about 09. It's funny to look back and remember how really happy i was. yeahhh i'm still happy now but i know i could be happier. haha fuck call me crazy for saying that.

& moving on.....

fuck this shit. people like you are exactly why i doubt every other fckin person on this planet. i'm sick of the bullshit. shit is getting old and i'm getting sick of it more & more every passing day. i hate the misunderstandings and miscommunication. i don't even know where i'm going with this. shit does not even benefit me. shit is unhealthy. i put myself through shit i don't need yet i don't know what to do to get my ass out of it. i will find the damn way sooner or later -_-

I get myself into some pretty deep shit all the time.

i hate it when i don't know if a person is being serious or not.. it makes me wonder and shit what they're really tryna say to me. & sometimes the person is being mean too, wtff. alright, ending my rant here..

It's finally 2010 & i'm feelin pretty brand new. i don't really set any new year resolutions anymore because it's true.. why wait for a new year to set goals for yourself. we're wakin up, blessed with another day, another chance for change. i've been having these goals to achieve & i've really been trying to accomplish them day by day. even though so much obstacles and shit get in my way.. i'm still pushin hard. some have been accomplished but i'm always tryin to do better.

But 2010 is definitely a new chapter. high school is gonna be over before we know it.. i can't fckin believe this year has finally come. i'm graduating... i'm really growing up and time ain't slowing down for nobody. it's scary yet exciting to think about.

.. & i'm still wondering where this is gonna go