Tonight was a good step towards what I need.. good laughs & good company<3 i miss the girls, a whole lot actually. I don't care what others say but we've been through a shit load of shit and i am obviously aware that we are never complete anymore and i rarely ever get to see some of em' but no one can ever replace them..

& although tonight was a good start of a weekend, i felt like total shit once i got home. the bad vibe i left my house before teching is still lingering here& it fckin sucks. My dad's not even home and i feel like complete shit for what happened. I barely ever get into huge fights with my dad so when it does come down to one.. it doesn't end so great at all, whatsoever. Shit sucks. I haven't talked to him ever since before I left the house for the sweet 16. I'd walk right past him not even acknowledging his presence, going along with my own business, & give him attitude if he told me something. I'm still mad as fuck & i'm still feeling bitter about the situation but I am not one to ever hold grudges so i feel just as bad as well. I don't know how long this will last, ignoring each other & all that bullshit. I have so much shit on my shoulders, I feel so helpless, that I can't do anything about this but sit around and wait for the storm to pass & the sun to come and shine bright again. The only thing I can do is pray hard & hope for better days. God, pleaseplease help me. I know i shouldn't be feeling like this because i'm too blessed to be stressed.

& on the other hand, i never know what to do. i say i will do this differently but i end up staying the same, repeating the same old actions. always easier said than done. i wish i had the guts, i wish i had the strength, i wish i had at least an ounce of confidence in myself. without loving myself, without confidence.. seriously how the fck am i going to make something of myself in this world.

shit's tough. tough love, heh.